Sunday, March 29, 2009

Hot Chick Tournament: The Great 8

Well the results are in from the first round of the hot chick tourney. Thanks to everyone for voting, I especially enjoyed the feedback from some of you on your reasons for your choices. Rachel Bilson whipped up on Minka Kelly, and the battle of the Jessicas was tight...but Alba prevailed. Cuthbert came out of nowhere to edge out Kunis, and Miller dominated Mendez. Fox whipped up on Anniston while Velasquez handled Aguilera. In the tightest matchup , Scarlett beat Audrina by one vote (disappointing me.) The most lopsided matchup saw Hough wipe the floor with Diaz.

Here are your Great 8 matchups:

Rachel Bilson


Jessica Alba

Elisha Cuthbert


Marissa Miller

Megan Fox


Nadine Velasquez

Scarlett Johannson


Julianne Hough

Cheers and Hail

Saturday, March 28, 2009

The Backyard Wrestling Association

With Wrestlemania 25 coming this week, it got me reminiscing about the love affair that I had with the sport as a child. There was a window in time where professional wrestling was bigger than any other sport for me. This era of time also represented the biggest growth the sport of professional wrestling ever saw.

When I first started to watch wrestling, it was just a Saturday morning show in syndication. This was your only opportunity to watch wrestling. The only other update you could get during the week was from George Michael. He always had highlights on Wrestling Wednesdays. In fact, it was here that I learned that Hulk Hogan was the new WWF Champion. Hulkamania ran wild, and the next thing you know wrestling was everywhere. Saturday Night's Main Event, Wrestlemania, Royal Rumbles, and Summer Slams.

So what does a 13 year old kid who watches wrestling all the time do in his spare time?

#1. He practices all his wrestling moves on his 7 year old brother. My brother Steven was piledrived, figure 4 leglocked, and camel clutched until he screamed bloody murder.

#2. He and his friends create the BWA. The Backyard Wrestling Association.

The BWA was comprised of Artie (the only person I could bodyslam or piledrive) Mike, Adrian, Bigboy(the One Man Gang of the crew) and myself. I cut an imposing figure when I entered the squared circle at the age of thirteen. And in this corner... standing 5'5" and weighing in at 105 lbs (according to my baseball card.) My wrestling attire consisted of a pair of O.P. shorts, Air Jordan high tops, and the most beautiful mullet you've ever seen. I came into the ring to "Wanted Dead or Alive" by Bon Jovi. It's all caught on tape, we filmed the whole thing including our "promos" during the week.

Like my baseball/football card collecting, wrestling faded out of my life as I grew a little older and started making out with girls. Other than a brief period of time where I followed The Rock and Goldberg, wrestling faded away a long time ago. But it still reminds me of an awesome summer of my life spent in the backyard....

...and it's the reason I got excited a few years ago when I learned that Hulk Hogan and Brutus Beefcake were at my work. Hulk Hogan was a different kind of celebrity to meet. When you meet someone who was on your lunchbox and had his own action's a little different. So as I stood there toe to toe with Terry (definitely not 6'7', maybe not 6'4") I shook his mammoth hand and I said "hey Hulkster" and he replied "What's up bruuthhherrrrr?"

Whatcha gonna do?

Cheers and Hail

LazyJC: Fun for Everyone (Even the Wife!)

Fatpickle's note: Please help me in welcoming LazyJC to Fatpickled. True to his nickname, he has finally produced his first post... 3 months after being hired. JC studied journalism at JMU, his mom is an English teacher, and he's also a teacher himself. All of that makes him overqualified for this blog. I've enjoyed his dry humor and knowledge of sports for many years, hope you guys do too. Welcome aboard JC.

While I'm watching my tournament brackets get completely busted (I've never put faith in Jim Boeheim and his crappy zone defense before, why did I do it now?) it's still hard for the smile to go away. Quite simply, this is the best time for a sports fan to be alive. And I say that with a solid history of being a fanatic supporter of the NFL and college football, yet there's no pigskin in sight.

At the beginning of March Madness, my wife usually gets mad, knowing that I'll be plastered in front of the TV throughout Rivalry Week, Conference Championship Week, and then every Thursday through Sunday during the actual NCAA Tournament (not to mention the NIT games during the rest of the week). She whines and cries that there's always a game on, and I'll put college basketball before her in my priorities (and says it like it's a bad thing). For a time, she'll banish herself to the bedroom, while I watch in the living room, sprawled on the couch. I've always asked her to watch with me, and she'll retort that I don't really want her to (honestly, as long as she's quiet, I don't mind). However, even she isn't immune from the pull of the bracket. There she was, yelling at the TV, as her father's alumnus, Villanova, struggled in their opening round game against American University.Knowing I'd picked them to make it to the Elite Eight, she watched with me as they dispatched UCLA, and, while she didn't stay up to see the Wildcats whip-up on Duke, she did ask if I was going to DVR it.

In the back of her mind, she knows that this late March - early April orgy of sports entertainment doesn't stop with college basketball. If the tournament isn't on, there's a spring training game on. Or a playoff-chase NHL game, or an NFL draft anaylysis, or a pre-Master's tune-up PGA Tour event. The best thing about this time of year, is that my wife is right, there's always something on! While there's a lot less drama on frozen pond this season, as my beloved Washington Capitals are securely in control of their division, she remembers last season's mad dash to the playoffs, and we watched every second of their push for the postseason, jumping around like the crazy Russian kids that play for the Caps, going nuts after every goal (I've asked Ted Leonsis if he'd change the team's motto from "Rock the Red", to "Rock the Red Army", as half the squad is comprised of Ruskies, fun to watch Ruskies, I'll add).

Just when the Madness subsides, Opening Day is here, as is the tradition like no other. The first week of April brings us the shouts of "Play Ball!", and the hushed tones of Jim Nance calling the action at Augusta National. Again, though not a sports fan, my wife will gladly skip work with me to watch every Opening Day game that's televised, and she'd never miss watching Tiger, or anyone for that matter, play Amen Corner. How could things be better? Perhaps we should begin petitioning Churchill Downs to move the Kentucky Derby up a few weekends, just to get it into the mix.

Anyway, though March has just flown by, and April will come an go just as quickly, remember that it's okay to take it all in. This is what we sports fans live for (at least until training camp opens), stop and smell the azaelas. Just pick a few for the wife, so you don't get into too much trouble.


Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Sweet 16 Hot Chick Tournament

Welcome to the 1st annual Fatpickled Hot Chick Tournament. I have compiled a list of 16 hot chicks, and randomly matched them up against one another (on top of one another, swapped them around with each other, I got a lot of time invested thinking about them, oops I mean this post.) We'll have 5 days to vote on the original 16 before we pair it down to the elite 8, then final four, and ultimately the Champion. You can vote by leaving your picks in the comments section, or by emailing me. Here are your contestants, there are some very hard decisions to make right off the bat. I mean chinese arithmetic hard. But if you all use your heads, you'll figure it out.

Minka Kelly vs. Rachel Bilson

Jessica Biel vs. Jessica Alba

Elisha Cuthbert vs. Mila Kunis

Marisa Miller vs. Eva Mendes

Megan Fox vs. Jennifer Anniston

Christina Aguilera vs. Nadine Velazquez

Scarlett Johansson vs. Audrina Patridge

Cameron Diaz vs. Julianne Hough

Cheers and Hail

Friday, March 20, 2009

WBC, It's Worth Watching

There's been a lot of debate as to whether anyone cares about the WBC...I will tell you that the players and coaches of Team USA definitely do. The players fom Team USA have bonded in a short amount of time to form a great TEAM. They are playing with the enthusiasm of a group of twelve year old all-stars, who are advancing to Williamsport, PA. Right now, baseball is not a job that last 162 games, plus spring training, plus the playoffs. Baseball is a game. Team USA has had to overcome injuries, and their depth is down right frightening. The pitching staff is not deep on talent.

I've enjoyed watching them and have found myself rooting for guys I downright despise. There I am cheering for Kevin Youkilis to get a hit, clapping when Jeter makes a nice play (his range is deteriorating by the way.) I mean it's hard to root for Youkilis. His look, his stance...who holds a bat like that, wtf. But I laughed my ass off when he took off Wright's helmet after the walk-off, and acted like he was a fullback breaking away from the pack. If that shit went down against the O's, I might have broken my TV.

Brian Roberts has provided a huge spark for Team USA. While Dustin Pedroia is home nursing his pulled labia, Roberts is playing like the team MVP. In 3 games Roberts has 6 hits, scored 5 runs, walked 3 times, and has stolen a base.
Team USA has also found a special fan in Sgt. Felix Perez, I would ask you to read this article for his story with Team USA. Team USA will be paying for Sgt. Perez to come and watch them compete for the WBC title this weekend at Dodger Stadium in LA. Playing for the US and representing our country means something to these guys.

So on Sunday evening after your march madness fix is over, tune in to ESPN and support our team in the semi-final. Should they win Sunday, they will be playing for the Championship on Monday night.

I will be watching...and I hope to see something like this.

Cheers and Hail

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Let The Madness Begin

There it is.. my official bracket. The madness starts tomorrow and I'll probably see more college basketball tomorrow than I have all year (I have watched zero NBA!) This bracket was filled out in one swift stroke of the pen. No scratch-outs, no crumpled up brackets thrown in the trash, and no other brackets lying around with different picks. I feel pretty good about it.

Tomorrow is also the day that results in more people calling in sick to work than any other day. I don't know the number of lost profit that results from the lack of manpower, but I'm hoping our fragile economy can handle it. I actually think it's a great day for the economy. Workers will be paid to sit at their favorite Pubs to eat, drink and be merry. The bars make $$, the waiters/waitresses make $$, and the bookies make lots of $$!

Since I've started this blog I haven't spent a lot of time talking about my love for the Terps. I'm a huge fan and feel that they are the one team that has let me down the least in the past 10-15 years. NCAA Champs, ACC Champs, and even when they have down years they find a way to beat Duke and UNC! Go TERPS!!

Cinderella story...

Cheers and Hail

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

A Rod REALLY Likes Himself


Now I know when you do a photo shoot, the photographer asks you to loosen and up and "strike a pose," (Madonna pun intended.) Apparently after a couple shots of Patron, Alex likes to make a "booty call" to himself.

Alex: "ooohh, you look so sexy"

Alex: "come here here my big ball of testosterone Latin love"

These pictures were taken for an article in Details magazine. After the interview and photo shoot, Alex called back the author of the story to plead with him not to release Alex's favorite Madonna song in the article. A-Fraud feared the backlash of hearing the song played at opposing stadiums. I think he's already given Red Sox and O's fans enough ammunition (a couple of blow up dolls with #13 Yankee jerseys would be a good start.)

Well, he's got a couple of months to be alone with himself as he recovers from the surgery to remove the cyst on his hip. Don't cyst form where needles are repeatedly are used?

Cheers and Hail

Sheriff Cooley Winners And IMDB Challenge

This post originally appeared at The Cooley Zone

Thanks to everyone who participated in the "Sheriff Cooley" contest, it was an awesome response and there were a lot of great ideas. One of the coolest things about blogging is the interaction and thoughts that are spurred from each post. For instance, we have learned that taking a picture of your private parts results in about a million hits and late night talk show monolgues. Talking derogatory about a rival hockey player results in the steel city breaking bad on you personally, and some of the worst photoshopping I've ever seen. (Some dude actually looked up gay porn for the one picture, how'd he even know where to find it?)

That being said, the "sheriff" posts didn't cause that kind of riot. It did however cause some serious movement on the IMDB Starmeters for those involved. The Starmeter ranks every actor listed on IMDB, based upon the searches for them on the site. Here is the effect that you guys had on the participants of the post in the week that the post came out.

Alex Karras moved from # 7,597(I was surprised he was that high) to #3,203

Chris Cooley moved from #246,368 to #165,712 (surging past Flo, the waitress from Dumb and Dumber)

Tanner Cooley moved from #1,015,929 to #358,918 (surging past Art Monk, who could forget his role in Jerry Maguire, "nice game Rod")

I think we are better than this, so I'm challenging you to go to work on IMDB, searching Alex, Chris, and Tanner and moving them up the Hollywood ladder. Here are the goals I've set for us to reach in the next week (help us baby jesus, help us Tom Cruise, help us!)

Alex #1899 - 1 spot above Eugene Levy

Chris #29,967 - 1 spot above Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake

Tanner # 69,569 - 1 spot above legenday Sportscaster George Michael (who could forget him in Silence of the Lambs, I sure haven't and I remind him whenever I see him.)

Here are the winners from the contest. You can claim your prize by venturing over to my site, bookmark it to your favorites, then email me.

1st place - And winner of a signed 8x10 of Fatpickle is...Randow who came up with the combination of Pat (from It's Pat) and Gridiron.

2nd place - And winner of a signed 8x10 of Vladimir is...Xstatic4beer who not only has an awesome handle, but also gave us Uncle Buck and Big Wig.

3rd place - And the winner of a signed 8x10 of the man currently over 150,000spots behind Paula Deen on the Starmeter(in his defense she can do things with a green bean that is heaven) is...Tony Corsini who brought us Spicoli and The Helmet Knocker.

Congrats to all, there was some really good ones and it was a difficult choice.

I'll be back sometime next week to I reveal how we did in the IMDB challenge, and to talk about Redskins fans just like you and I (well kind of.)

Update!! Chris moved up to 33,803, Tanner moved up to 52,307

Cheers and Hail

Thursday, March 12, 2009


We've all played the game, there's 5 seconds left on the clock when you receive the inbounds pass. A head fake and a couple dribbles later you throw up the final shot and......clank? Well, even if you made it you were the only one who saw it. Usually you miss, try for the follow up shot (miss,) and play it back again.

Enjoy Tommy Boy himself imitating Christian Laettner. (and look forward to March Madness)

Cheers and Hail

Wednesday, March 11, 2009


The following group of NBA players are those that I believe to be the most humble in the league. I'm positive that they thank God everyday for the basketball talent he has blessed them with. Because without the size and athletic ability that has allowed them to make millions of dollars, there is no way they could be pulling in the broads they do on a nightly basis.

Introducing...The NBA First Team All Ugly

C - George Muresan - Michael Phelps?

PF - Tyrone Hill - If you were ever to see the 76er's play when he did, I can only pray you didn't have floor seats

SF - Tyshaun Prince

SG - Delante West

PG - Sam Cassell - Quite possibly the from a different planet

Sixth Man Award
Andrei Kirilenko - He deserves this award mainly because his wife reportedly allows him one free "bang pass" a year as long as she is in the room watching. Nobody was more mad than Jerry Sloan when hearing he has repeatedly used this pass on John Amechi.

Coach of the Year
Stan Van Gundy - Just pretend

Rookie of the Year
Greg Oden

All-Time MVP
Reggie Miller

Until Next Time,

Monday, March 9, 2009

Danny and Vinny Move In

Danny & Vinny

So I'm working in the yard and hanging out in the garage yesterday when these 2 "love doves" decided to move in. I shooed them away once, but they came right back, so I decided to let them hang for awhile. They seemed cozy on top of the stereo and hanging out in front of the HTTR sign. I'm not sure what they were doing to my Eddie Murray Starting Lineup figurine (seen lying face down and squealing like a pig.)

When looking at the pictures I feel pride in my manly garage. The fishing poles, memorabilia, and tools (hidden porn, why is it all Asian?) work well together. My wife should also feel proud that she has regulated me to putting all my shit in the garage. Congrats honey!

Cheers and Hail

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Fatpickle And Porkboy: We Speak In Movie Quotes

Porkboy came into Florida this weekend to surprise me for my Bday. We've taken advantage of this time "brainstorming" for ideas related to the website, blog, and t-shirts. The brainstorming sessions produced little ideas other than ordering pizza, making sure we have enough beer, and plotting a trip to Bare Assets. However, we realize when we talk we incorporate movie quotes into the conversation quite often. Not just to each other, but in our jobs and everyday life. Here is a list of movie quotes (sports movies only, we do use many more from non sports movies) that we use nearly everyday. Also, we did not list any Ted Knight or Rodney Dangerfield quotes from Caddyshack, because we use nearly every damn one of them.

"Noonan!" - Caddyshack- Used mainly when an opposing team's kicker lines up for a FG. Also effective for free throws or a friendly game of h-o-r-s-e. "Akers lines up for a 43yd attempt, MISS IT, NOONAN, MISS, NOONAN!"

"Jobu needs a refill"-Major League- I need another beer. "honey do you need anything from the kitchen...well, Jobu needs a refill."

"We're going to sizzler"-White Men Can't Jump- Awesome to say when you get a small victory. Like when your energy bill is $20 dollars less than you thought it would be, or Totino's pizzas are on special at the grocery store. "I just won the office march madness pool, we're going to sizzler."

"I think it could be gravy"-Caddyshack- When your favorite team takes the momentum in a game, or you look at their remaining schedule and see nothing but wins. "we got Dallas at home then SanFran on the road, I think it could be gravy."

"You remember the last time I stick it in you?"-Rounders- Great to pull out when your playing your buddy's in cards or PlayStation. "wanna play Madden? sure...but do you remember the last time when I stick it in you?" (this also requires the imitation of John Malkovich air humping)

"Help me baby Jesus, help me Tom Cruise"-Talladega Nights- When something in your day goes wrong, like the copier is jammed or your courtesy flush is coming up, not going down! "help me baby Jesus, help me Tom Cruise!"

"gravy train with biscuit wheels"-Kingpin- The guy who has all the luck on his side, the guy who does nothing at work, yet gets promotions and raises. "Mike has been on a 3 hour lunch break, and no one even cares...he's on the gravy train with biscuit wheels."

"I wake up in the morning and just piss excellence"-Talladega Nights- Always fun to break out when you succeed at work, like selling some windows and siding to some tight ass. "hey Porkboy, nice job on that Johnson account...well you know when I wake up in the morning I just piss excellence."

"nananananananana"-Caddyshack-Eveyone says it and we all use it for nearly everything. Like when your trying to write a blog post and your computer wants to lock up on you. "F me, are you kidding me...I'm almost finished...come on, nananananananana."

Do you use different quotes in your day to day? Let us know in the comments.

Cheers and Hail

Friday, March 6, 2009

Bay Area Blues

Marquis Cooper Derrick Brooks

The past week to 10 days have been a difficult one for residents of the Tampa Bay area. Bucs fans that were already reeling from Derrick Brooks getting cut were also hit with ex-Buc Marquis Cooper being lost at sea. Although it is impossible to compare a person being cut with a person's death, the way the 2 things went down were both senseless.
Cooper's ordeal became a nationwide story, but it really hit home here. There was round the clock updates on the local news, and you just kept hoping that a miracle was going to happen. And then a miracle happened, if only there were 3 more miracles to come. Cooper lived not too far from us, and the waters he was fishing are waters we have explored. I would have never gone 50 miles offshore in the boat he was in, nor gone offshore at all with the front that was moving into the area. Cooper was a very experienced fisherman and boater, I'm sure he felt confident. Another NFL player, Corey Smith and friend William Beakley were also never found. It's a sad story and I feel for their families.

Derrick Brooks was told his services were no longer needed after 14 seasons with the Bucs last week. It's got every loyal Bucs fan up in arms, asking why? All Brooks did was never miss a game in those 14 seasons and made 11 Pro Bowls. All Pro 9 times, Defensive player of the year, and first ballot Hall of Famer. Oh yeah, he's a pretty good guy off the field as well. He was the 2000 Walter Payton Man of the Year, which honors a player's volunteer and charity work, as well as his excellence on the field. Brooks also founded the Brooks-DeBartolo Collegiate High School in Tampa, a school founded on the belief that, given the necessary resources and opportunities, every child has the potential to realize his/her dreams.

Fans are livid, it reminds me of when the Skins cut Art Monk. My uncle Mo a lifelong Skins fan, swore he would never root for the Skins again. 15 years later, he's a Cowboy's fan sticking to his word. I've seen countless fans interviewed stating the same thing, wherever Brooks lands is whom they will root for. Now, even the most loyal Brooks fan knows that he has lost a step (or two.) So it's not necessarily the cutting of Brooks, it's how it went down. They told him in the AM they were cutting him, and released it to the media in the afternoon. Why the big rush? They were $40 million dollars under the salary cap at the time. So there was no immediate need to cut salary to sign a free agent. They could have allowed Brooks to quietly talk with other teams to see what his market value may be. If there wasn't a market, they could have scheduled a press conference for him to announce his retirement with dignity as a member of the Bucs. Instead, Brooks was forced to conduct an interview at the Bucs headquarters wearing a powder blue jumpsuit and requested that no Bucs logos be present. In true Derrick Brook's style, he said all the right things.

To date the biggest player the Bucs have brought in the offseason is Kellen Winslow. A player that is the exact opposite of Derrick Brooks on and off the field. At this point I have to seriously question the new regime in Tampa Bay.

Cheers and Hail

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Top 10 Reasons I'm Old

Today is my birthday, I'm 35. And despite my best efforts to rewind it back to age 24 a few years ago, the fact of the matter is...I'm old. WTF happened? Here is the Top 10 reasons I know I'm old:

#10. When I walk into a Hollister or Abercrombie, all the employees wonder who's Dad just walked in.

#9 I remember buying Motley Crue and Poison's first albums (cassette tapes.) Now they are considered classic rock.

#8. I'm in the worst shape of my life, by far. And my liver....well it's just pissed at me.

#7. My favorite shows are no longer on TV, even in syndication.

#6. My Ipod playlist titled "New Stuff" is a collection of late 90's and early 00's songs.

#5. I'm older than every Redskins player except for 3. (the red snapper, Todd Collins, and Phillip Daniels, who shares by B-day!) I'm older than a couple of their coaches!

#4. I say things like "when I was growing up," or "it seems like yesterday," or "that was 10 years ago?"

#3. When my parents and uncles were 35, I thought they looked ancient. Now I think they look pretty damn good.

#2. In order to see my favorite bands in concert, they have to be on a reunion tour.

#1. I still have Suzanne Somers in my spank bank.

Cheers and Hail

Monday, March 2, 2009

Sheriff Cooley

(This post originally appeared at The Cooley Zone)
I'd recognize that tallywhacker anywhere, it's Cooley poking thru again!

When I first heard that Chris was up for the part of the Sheriff in Ghosts Don't Exist, my immediate thought was of Alex Karras in Porky's. Karras was an ex-NFL player who parlayed his NFL career into a 20+ years of acting, a Monday Night Football gig, plus a few years as a professional wrestler. He played the role of the crooked Sheriff in Porky's (the original American Pie.)

So while Chris may not think he's great in front of the camera and may not have big aspirations for his one line in a movie, I would remind him that Karras got his start by grunting a line or two in Blazing Saddles. "Mongo straight, Mongo like candy." In fact, if they ever remake Blazing Saddles, Chris should read for Mongo, he'd be awesome. And if that role led to a remake of Webster with CC in the dad's role, well then that would be priceless.

Now, on to the wrestling. We all know CC won a State championship as a high school wrestler, so faking a few moves in the squared circle should be gravy. He might want to go legit and do a little MMA action (Michael Westbrook needs better competition), but I recommend the WWE. Vladimir would make a great manager!

So, now it's time for you to get involved. Answer these 2 questions in the comment section.

If you could remake a movie, what roles would you put Chris in?

My picks: Mongo from Blazing Saddles, Irwin "Fletch" Fletcher, and Oger from Revenge of the Nerds.

If CC was a professional wrestler, what would you name him? (Capt. Chaos we all know)

My picks: Crouching Tiger Hidden Cooley, The Sharter (the finishing move is brutal,) The Leesburg Joker

We will review your comments for the best roles and names for the next 5 days. The winners will receive:
1rst place = 8 x 10 autographed photo of Fatpickle

2nd place = 8 x10 autographed photo of Vladimir

3rd place = something signed by CC

Cheers and Hail

Sunday, March 1, 2009

E4three32: Please Don't

Fatpickle's note: Please welcome E4three32 as a regular contributor to Fatpickled. E is an aspiring screen writer (his first script is badass!) and CPA. He played college basketball (an astounding accomplishment coming from my family loins,) and brings his special brand of wit and humor to us. Welcome aboard E!

I’ve never been a big fan of letting a pro athlete KNOW that I KNOW who they are by actually telling them I KNOW who they are. Unless I’m attending an autograph signing or preseason camp I have no business trying to take a picture with them or reminiscing with them about a touchdown catch or “nuts in your face” dunk they had on SportsCenter’s Top 10 List.

That is why when I saw Gilbert Arenas at Chuckie Cheese I didn’t try to join him in a game of Wack-a-Mole or combine tickets to get the biggest prize (by the way when your Gilbert Arenas you don’t waste time trying to win tickets, you just pay absurd amounts of money to get what you want.) However, as he walked by me playing a basketball arcade game I did yell out “Hibachi” as I hit my shots on a game built for three-year olds. Now I don’t know if he looked back and laughed at me or if he was actually looking right through me and laughing at someone else, but I did feel as though he appreciated me not starting an autograph frenzy by yelling out “Agent Zero” at the top of my lungs while doing back-flips begging him to autograph my chest. That is why I have come up with this list of things not to do when seeing a professional athlete in public for all of you douches out there who act like the kid who Punk’d Dirk Nowitzki on a daily basis:

If they are eating, LEAVE them alone - there’s no doubt Dwight Howard wanted to pimp slap all of these people…except the one Asian girl across from them whom he wanted to lay the Superman pipe to

If you do try to take a picture with them, make sure you know who they are – I once watched a kid take a picture with Chris Samuels only to turn around and say thanks LaVar…come on you can’t mistake #60

Don’t ask them if they want to hangout later on at night just because they accept a drink from you at a bar – every athlete knows what happened in “Celtic Pride”

Don’t ever tell them they have a hot girlfriend/wife and then ask her name – “Hey man she’s hot, what’s her name so I can spank it to her later”

Unless the appearance is for autographs and pictures, don’t even try

If an athlete makes fun on you, don’t brag about it to other people like your cool – true story, an athlete once told me I had small equipment…I told other people to explain to them that it was a black man and obviously to him I seemed smaller but in a lacrosse locker room I’d be worshipped…but I didn’t tell them because it was the Phillies first baseman

No high-fives, hugs, or chest-bumps – a handshake could be acceptable

Don’t tell them about how you tattooed their number on your asscheek one night you got hammered

Don’t strike up a conversation in the bathroom

Don’t ever be the creepy guy in the background of a picture – you look happy, but they sure as hell don’t

And above all, if you are lucky enough to get a picture with a professional athlete, never put that picture up as your profile picture on Facebook or Myspace – everyone that knows you, knows you are not friends with them and chances are YOU NEVER WILL BE

Please read this list over and try not to act like a love-struck thirteen year old next time you see a professional athlete out.

Oh yeah, and hot girls…please disregard this list and remember everything here is even more acceptable when done topless!

Until NextTime,