Pinch Me

I'm livin the dream, don't wake me up

Sunday Jan 18, 2008
The Skins have just won a birth in the Super Bowl (against the Steelers) by defeating the Cardinals 27-21. I have texted, emailed, and called every person I have a way of contacting to discuss the game and the Super Bowl. I go on to say "Hail to the Redskins," we're going to the Super Bowl," and "F-yeah" a thousand times this night. After everyone stops corresponding with me, I sit alone in my chair drinking a beer, reflecting upon my Skins. I am proud.

Monday Jan 19 - Monday Jan 26

The week was spent networking with all my contacts (I have none) to try and secure Super Bowl tickets. General Motors comes thru with 2 club seats to the big game (because it's my dream, and in my dream the auto industry is rockin!) An executive who works for the NFL really likes my blog, and secures me a press pass for media day as well as the Gridiron Greats dinner. Try, try, try as I may, I cannot score Maxim party passes.

Tuesday Jan 27 - Media Day

I know I need to stand out, so I dress myself in a giant pickle costume. I have the word "FAT" painted across my pickle chest. Portis asks to borrow my costume for a future interview. I see the sportscaster George Michael, and tell him it's good to see him again. He must not recognize me in my pickle costume. "George, I'm the guy who always tells you that you were awesome in Silence of the Lambs." I ask some F'ed up questions to the Skins and Steelers, some are answered, others get me an inch away from getting my ass beat. I somehow talk Troy Polamalu into letting me cut off a lock of his hair.

Wednesday Jan 28 - Gridiron Greats

I'm here at the Hard Rock Casino with 100 of the greatest players of all time. I'm in awe, and this dinner is for an awesome cause. My pickle costume is put away, and my questions are honest and sincere. The dinner is buffet style, and as I approach the buffet, so is Michael Irvin. In one fluid motion, I nudge Irvin to the side, button hook, and while shielding him, grab a plate. Michael is so impressed by this "offensive pass interference," he invites me to be on his reality show. I win and I must go to training camp with the Cowboys, where I show flashes of being a 35 yr old Tim Dwight. Ultimately I am cut, but not before I photocopy the playbook and turn it over to the Redskins.

Tim Brown, Fatpickle, Michael Irvin, Warren Moon, Ty Law

Thursday Jan 29 - Snooper Bowl/Maxim Party

My wife and I head over to the Snooper Bowl to watch Snoop coach. After the game I approach Snoop, who happens to be wearing a #43 Steelers Jersey.

FP: Hey Snoop

Snoop: What up cuz?

FP: I got a dime bag of Troy Polamalu's hair.

Snoop: Fo shizzle? TP? That's some good shit. How much?

FP: 2 tickets to the Maxim party.

Snoop: Done, you can roll with Snoop, Fatpickle my nizzle.

FP: Let's get this thing crackin, bring your green hat.

Snoop, Fergie, Fatpickle

The Maxim party was awesome, lots of celebrities, dancing, and booze. The only problem was Eva Mendes. She started stalking me half way thru the party and continues to do so. This chick can't take a hint. Eva, I know you're reading this, I'm happily married, move on.

The stalker, Fatpickle

Sunday Feb 1 - Super Bowl

The Skins beat the Steelers 29-23 in overtime on a 73 yard Campbell to Moss TD. Portis was solid rushing for 112 yards. Campbell had a Phil Simms like day, going 21-24, 264 yds and another TD to Cooley. I have a permanet smile on my face that will not go away for weeks. Our seats were awesome and Springsteen rocked. Life is good!

Cheers and Hail

To T.O. Or Not To T.O.?

My first thought when hearing that Terrell Owens is going to have a reality show was, I'm out, I'd rather get kicked in the balls for a half hour.

But after more thought, I'm intrigued. It comes from my favorite channel for reality TV, VH1. From the old school "Behind The Music," to the current "Rock of Love" and "Confessions of a Teen Idol," VH1 knows their reality.

I mean, it's obvious that T.O. has some mental and personal issues. I think I need to see where that goes. If I can kill an hour captivated by Scott Baio, I think I just might get my popcorn ready for Terrell. Who knows, maybe he'll come out of the closet half way thru the season. I've always been under the premise that if your a man over 30, never been married, and you have a six pack, you're probably gay. And, if it walks like a duck, and talks like a duck, well....

T.O. knows how TV works, editing, and all that stuff!


Cheers and Hail

Super Bowl Commercials

While I'm looking forward to all the new commercials this Sunday, this one has been popping up from last year. It's Jim Beam's "perfect girlfriend."

Sail Away With Me

The car is packed and running and we are confirming we have everything we need before our short flight to Fort Lauderdale, where we will be jumping on a cruise ship to the Bahamas.

Suitcases, check. ID/Passports, check. My balls are still in my wife's purse, check. Good, I'm hoping to need those quite a bit this week. (I'm thinking the reason I buy my wife so many expensive purses is so my boyz have a nice place to stay.)

The flight and cab ride are remarkably smooth and we arrive early to the boat. Our rooms will not be ready till 1pm, but the buffet is open. Awesome, is there a better way to spend an hour and half than a pig bar? My wife reminds me to not forget our room number, #4037. Easy, the 4th floor is the main deck, and the #37 is permanently embedded in my mind from the movie Clerks. (Warning adult humor) I'll show you the way there honey, just try not to...unless it's me

Everyone checking onto the boat was directed to the buffet. This provided awesome people watching, as well as limitless chances to play the "Billy Bob Thornton" game. I saw Elisha Cuthbert, Hal Holbrook, and the father from Good Times. I was especially pleased with the last pick, because the "John Amos" in question was actually a woman! It was during this time that my wife informed me that the boat held over 2000 people and we were going to be on it for 4 days, so I needed only to point out A-list celebrities. Hmm, a challenge!

I sampled nearly everything on the menu, and washed it down with 4 Coronas. My wife tells me to pace myself, or I'm gonna be asleep by 8pm. "No way," I told her. "Dinners not till 8:30"

We check into the room and "relax" for a little while. So it's now 1:30 and I am....asleep! I challenge anyone to eat for an hour, drink 4 beers, "relax", and not take a nap. Oh wait, my wife didn't need one. So we're off to the pool deck for more sun and fun. We decide that we will take the steps up to the 11th floor, and will continue to use the stairs all week for some exercise. Once again, I guess the 15 minutes of "relaxing" wasn't enough. It sure tuckered me out.

The pool provided more great people watching. Except for the guy standing directly in my line of sight wearing the banana sling. There's always one in every crowd. This guy fit the mold to the T. Big belly, lots of back hair. And it's not a banana, it looks more like an acorn sitting on a peach. And there is nothing I can do to avoid the sight. He's directly in front of me, he won't sit down, and he won't get in the pool. Just stands there, apparently for everyone to enjoy. This only makes me drink more. Our fun was interrupted by the Captain informing everyone to report for a mandatory exercise with our life jackets. One things for sure, by the looks of things around the pool, there's a lot of chicks in no danger of drowning. They've brought their own flotation devices, and it looks like they can make it to Nassau on their own!

"Jack and Rose" headed to the mandatory disaster drill. This was a little anti-climatic other than the Titanic references and Cameron Diaz being there. However, my wife didn't agree with me on Cameron. She gave me the "hmmm, kinda." So I'm still on the lookout. We retreated back to our room to get ready for the evening. My wife napped. So just to give you an idea, at this point we both have napped, and we each got 6 or 8 beers in us. Oh yeah, the ship hasn't even left yet!

I feel the like Clifford the big red dog in our room. In fact, anyone short of Vern Troyer would. I have to sleep against a wall, and to turn around, I need to go in the hall. I needed to get ready for dinner, so I jumped in the shower. I used the bar of soap provided by the ship, even though my wife brought the nice smelling bath and body works gels. I only use the bars of soap when I'm at a hotel, and I always love it. It makes me long for the days of a simple bar of Lever or Irish Spring. I think you get much cleaner and do it faster with a bar of soap. Faster, except for the 5 additional minutes spent trying to get that one stubborn pubic hair to fall off the soap.

Dinner was awesome, we got a table for two, by a window in the corner. I ordered the lamb shanks for dinner, a move that upset my wife for eating the "babies." I did not improve my position by making noises about how good it was, and doing my best Hannibal Lector "tell me Clarice, have the lambs stopped crying."

Fat, drunk, and happy after dinner, we made our way to the alluring sights and sounds of the Casino Royal. We grabbed a couple beers and changed a couple hundreds. 3 card poker was the game of choice. 3 hands in, I get dealt a straight flush, the best hand you can get in 3 card poker. My $5 bet turned into $200! Winner, winner, chicken dinner! Over the course of the trip the wife and I would total 4 straight flushes, "Hey everybody, we're all going to get laid."

We made it back to the room @ 11pm. Totally whipped from the day. We did manage the strength to order a pizza and nachos from room service. I thought I would sleep like a rock, but the bed had other plans for me. I had the wall to contend with, along with a sucky pillow and sheets. Until I met my wife, I had no idea about sheets and thread counts. Go ahead baby, buy the 600 count sheets instead of the 200 count. If I'm gonna get laid 400 more times, I'm in. But once you slide your sweet cheeks into a 600 count sheet, you quickly know the difference. I'm not sure what was on our bed in our room, but I'm pretty sure I weigh more than the count, and that's a bad ratio.

The following morning brought the first dilemma of the trip. I've already explained how small the room is, I've also read that my toilet may not flush every time. On top of that, there is this sign above the toilet.

Items other than toilet paper?

Meanwhile, that weatherman from The Perfect Storm, (Happy Gilmore's nemesis) is drawing a diagram of my lower abdomen.

"See over here we have the McDonald's breakfast and lunch buffet. Now over here we have the lamb shanks and room service. Sitting on top of it all is a twelve pack of Corona. It's all meeting right here (circle my lower abdomen) to form, the perfect turd.

Even though I'd like to stumble 2 steps to the bathroom to take care of business, I take my tired, hungover ass on a field trip to find a restroom. Searching around like Harry Dunne when he picked up Mary in Dumb and Dumber, I find solitude in the Casino restroom. I'm not sure if this boat's for sale, but I'm getting ready to put a large deposit on it. After re-shuffling the deck, I'm ready to put a hurtin on some bacon at the buffet, Captain Chaos style!

The remaining days of the trip were more of the same. More food, booze, and gambling. I do have a couple more things to share:

Atlantis is bad-ass, we will vacation there in the future. If you are considering Atlantis, go, it's like Bellagio on the beach, but better.

My 98lb wife and I drank 48 beers in 3 days on the boat.

I saw more celebs, but never the A-list variety. I saw the Asian guy from Mad TV and a Filipino Matt Damon. I thought for sure I was going to see an actual celeb at the Atlantis, but we didn't, even though this was going on.

Asian Mad TV Guy

One things for sure, nearly 19 years after our first date, my wife is hotter and cooler than ever. There is no one else I would want to spend 4 days alone with, nor do I know of anyone who could stand me for 4 days. You're my girl, I love you baby.

Seeing the excitement in my sons eyes when I got home was incredible. He ran up to me for a hug with his arms spread wider than Plaxico Burress begging a ref for a pass interference call.

Now, back to the real world. Fatpickled will be back in business tomorrow.

Cheers and Hail

Six Degrees, A Vacation, And A Website

This is will be the last post for a little while, as my lovely bride and I cruise on down to the Bahamas! A few days in the sun, eating too much, drinking too much, and gambling too much. Sounds like it's just what the doctor ordered. In the meantime, I'm leaving you with some reading material that I've enjoyed this week.

I also want to invite everyone to check out http://www.fatpickled.com/. It's still a work in progress, but you can follow the blog there, so please bookmark it. It's a hell of a lot easier to find than the whole budlightthoughts thing. I don't even want to get into the whole email conversation I had with my mom today, but I'll just say it started with her saying she couldn't find my fatpickle. (it's probably in my wife's purse, headed for the Bahamas)

It looks like LT and the Chargers are headed for a divorce. One things for sure, he won't be any one's #1 fantasy pick next season.

I've gotten away from reading Bill Simmons, mainly because there's just to much New England sports. But, he's an awesome writer, and he shares his recent "Marley and me" situation in this story. You may need a hankie.

Another great writer, Rick Reilly, has a cool story about Larry Fitzgerald Jr and Sr, and their unique situation this Super Bowl week.

It's the 20 year anniversary of maybe the most famous error card of all-time. A card that I have, signed, and in mint condition.

Cooley gets high on football, and shares his Senior Bowl with us. And to think that Parcells thought he'd be a special teamer at best.

Finally, if you haven't seen this video, it's worth a look. And remember, this is a high school game!

The NFL Hall Of Fame System Is Flawed

This post originally debuted at the Cooley Zone
I was at a Super Bowl party at a friend's house back in Feb. 2004. Joe Jacoby was at the party, and I kinda know Joe from being in the same line of business. So I'm saddled up next to him at the buffet line when I strike up a conversation.

Fatpickle: "Our boy Art got F'd again, huh?"

Joe Jacoby (all 6 foot 6 inches of him, glares down at me and says):

"He's not the only one."

I quietly grabbed a few more bacon wrapped scallops and retreated to a quiet place. And I realized, yeah, he's not the only one. The Redskins had a dynasty from 1982-1991, and until last year only one player was in the Hall of Fame? How about Jacoby, Mosely, Grimm, Bostic, Clark, Mann, and Manley. The HOF system is flawed!

How else can Art Monk be denied 7 times? I don't need to get into the reasons why Art should have been a first ballot Hall of Famer, anyone who knows anything about football would have voted him in first ballot. The ultimate slap in the face was voting Michael Irvin into the Hall before Monk. I guess when considering a Wide Receiver, pushing off gives you extra points? Is there a special wing in the Hall for offensive pass interference?

The Hall of Fame balloting is like some super secret club. Secret ballots, secret meetings. This much we do know, the wizards behind the curtain are Peter King and Dr. Z. They single handily kept Monk out of the Hall all those years. And with all due respect to Dr. Z, who is recovering from a series of strokes (get well soon), these guys piss me off to no end. What we have is a bunch of sportswriters who have never played football, who are voting players in or out. So, if you blew off Peter King a couple times for an interview 10 years ago, it's probably going to come back to F you in the long run. However, if you text him inside info, or grab a bite to eat with him, your getting in the Hall. And since I've got a sports blog, why can't I vote? Chris, your good to go since you granted me this interview. If you had blown me off, LJ Smith would be in the Hall before you are!

All of that brings me to Russ Grimm, Mr. Hog. Russ is the one thing left this year for Redskin's fans to cheer for. He's a finalist for the Hall of Fame for the 5th consecutive season. He's also a coach for the Arizona Cardinals, and is a candidate for head coaching positions. He could possibly have the greatest week of his life next week. Hall of Fame on Saturday, Super Bowl win on Sunday, Head Coach on Monday. I'm pulling for you Russ.

Here's my choices for the NFL Hall of Fame 2009

Shannon Sharpe - He retired with every TE record you could have. That didn't mean anything for Art Monk, but I hope it does for Shannon. I'm assuming he was one of Chris's idols?

Bruce Smith - One of the greatest of all-time. Not so much with the Redskins.

Rod Woodson - Simply one of the best ever at the Cornerback position. Also a game changer on special teams.

Chris Carter - Now that Art is in, you can put Carter in. All he does is catch touchdowns. Nope, if he did, he'd have over 1,100!

Russ Grimm - 4 time All-Pro and Pro Bowler. 3 Super Bowl rings. The best offensive lineman for the most well-known offensive line in NFL history. Mr. Hog

Cheers and Hail

The Crybaby Club

I'm not only a member, I'm also the President.

For every great story in sports, for every great athlete we view as a role model, we have a Terrel Owens. This past week Anquan Boldin and Julius Peppers joined TO in the "crybaby" club. A look back at their summers eve moments.

"Who cares about the Super Bowl? I got 4 looks all game? Hell No!

There may be no I in team, but there sure is one in Boldin. This guy probably out did TO as the most ME FIRST player in the history of football! He's going to bitch about playing time and touches while his team is driving for the winning TD in the NFC Championship game? And after winning he's going to go crying in the locker room instead of celebrating with his teammates? Come on man, it was admirable returning from a broken face, but someone should re-break it. You want answers? Here's an answer for you. If I'm the coach of the Cardinals, your ass is benched for the Super Bowl.

Wow...well before that happened we had Julius Peppers grandstanding for himself. Evidently Peppers speaks a different language than us, one known as bullshit.

Please allow me to translate this Julius Peppers article.

"The front office has been informed of my desire to explore opportunities with other NFL teams following the expiration of my contract next month,"

Translation: Carolina can F off with that low ball offer that is on the table.
I'll spread my legs for the highest bidder. Carolina can kiss my taint after 3 hours of practice!

"At this point in my NFL career, I am seeking new challenges that will allow me to grow, develop and reach my personal potential on the football field.

Translation: If my stats don't look good enough it's not my fault. The Carolina defense is the problem. I'm getting old and this is my last chance to score big money!

"I strongly feel that making a move at this time is in my best interest. I appreciate the entire Panthers organization and I am thankful for the seven seasons I've spent with the team."

Translation: I will come back to Carolina in a heartbeat, all they need to do is "show me the money."



"Julius is firm in his decision that he needs a change," Carey said. "He feels that he can thrive in another system. While he has been selected to four Pro Bowls and designated as an All-Pro during his career, he feels that he has yet to develop to his full potential. This is the case of a great player who seeks to become an elite one."

Translation: Julius is a bad mofo, who wants to be the highest paid DE ever. No one knows who I am, I'm his agent, Carl Carey. I came up with this quote after referencing Julius's football-reference page. I'm gonna score him a huge contract and maybe pick up some of Drew Rosenhaus's crumbs.

"Obviously, Carl's comments are disappointing," Hurney said. "We have consistently reiterated to Carl in a number of ways how much we value Julius and we plan to continue having ongoing communications."

Translation: We are not going to franchise him @ 17 million this year. You know what we are willing to pay. Go ahead and shop him around and come back to us with at least a 1rst and 3rd round trade offer. Oh yeah, kiss my taint after sitting on my ass for 10 hours on draft day!

My question to you Skin's fans is this. Would you like to see Peppers in a Redskin's jersey? He has had some awesome seasons, and when his game is on he's one of the best. But, he also posted a 2.5 sack season in 2007. So, would you trade a 1rst and 3rd for him?

Cheers and Hail

The O's Are Turning Japanese

"Pan down, need hair pie"

How about Felix Pie?

The Orioles have been very active this week, signing a free agent, making several trades and locking up Markakis long term (a great move for the fans and the organization.) Let's take a closer look at the new Orioles.

Koji Uehara - P - The first Japanese player signed by the Orioles, 10 years after signing Asian players became popular. On the surface it appears this signing may be 10 years to late. Uehara will turn 34 before the season starts and he was 6-5 with a 3.81 ERA last season. Oh, he was also demoted to the minors for a period of time last season. The O's are thinking he will fit in nicely as the #2 starter!

Felix Pie - LF - A little intrigued here. He was the #1 prospect in the Cub's minor league system for the 06-07 seasons. But so far, he has bombed in the majors. He'll get the chance to play every day in LF, he's out of minor league options.

David Pauley - P - Career MLB stats, 0-3 9.53 ERA. Will be a candidate for the 5th spot in the rotation. (uhhhh,ok)

So, there's not a whole lot here to get excited about. But, somehow I am. I'm a Steve Trachsel signing away from renewing by Extra Innings package! Bring on those 70 wins, I'm in!

Cheers and Hail

Super Bowl Picks

Here's my breakdown on the Division Championship games today. My picks are not so much who I think is going to win, it's whom I'm rooting for. I mean, who really wants to see an all Pennsylvania Super Bowl? I'd rather watch a marathon of "Real Housewives" with my wife for 6 hours. Besides the hate factor I have for a couple of these teams, I usually like to pull for the underdog, so things are set up quite nicely today.

Eagles (-3.5) @ Cardinals

There are so many thing I hate about the Eagles, I could spend an entire post on that subject. I want them to lose and Mcnabb to get benched, that would be cool. They have done a nice job pulling themselves together after that Ravens game, losing only to the Redskins. If the week after the Ravens game wasn't a Thursday night game, the Kolb era may have began in Philly. Weird how things work out sometimes.

There are so many things to like about the Cardinals. Kurt Warner was thrown to the scrap pile several years ago. Now he's playing like an MVP again, on the wrong side of 30. He didn't get a new contract before the season, so he now has the chance to ride off into the sunset a Super Bowl winner again, or get a big fat payday from someone. Anquan Bolding didn't get a new contract as well. All he's done is have an All-Pro type of year while playing thru a torn hamstring, sore knee, AND BROKEN FACE! I think it may be time for the Cards to re-consider his deal. You also have Russ Grimm coaching the Offensive line. He could be headed to the Super Bowl, elected into the Hall, and hired as a head coach all in one week! You also have Edgerrin James, benched for a young rookie for several games. The Cards basically said he was done, but he's come back and played extremely well in becoming an integral part of the Cards offense.


And, how much fun would Matt Leinert have here in Tampa? With all our local universities and strip clubs, it will be like an adult Chuck E Cheese for him!

Ravens @ Steelers (-6)

I have to pull for Crabtown, Charm City, my 3rd hometown. There Defense has been unreal, especially for a Defense that's pretty old. They got a rookie Head Coach paired with a rookie Quarterback, that combination has never made it to the Super Bowl. And they have that boxer from Notre Dame returning kicks, he's awesome! The only thing that scares me is Ray Lewis's posse rolling into Tampa.

As far as the Steelers go, I can't stand em. Hines Ward does throw some awesome blocks, but have the time it's illegal, or the defensive player is defenseless. He then gets that smile on his face that I wish someone would knock off. Their coach acts like Martin Lawrence on the sideline. I want to run a #2 thru Troy Polamalu's hair. On top of all this, I do not want to see a bunch of Steelers flags and terrible towels everywhere I look down here in Tampa. I've had enough of that for one year.

Go Cards and Ravens!

Cheers and Hail

Super Bowl Coaches R Us

With the firing of Jon Gruden today and the retirement of Tony Dungy this week, there are now 16 living coaches with Super Bowl rings.
Welcome to my new EBay Store, Super Bowl Coaches R Us. Come on in, we are overstocked. Please check out our many departments, as we have many selections to fit your needs. You may choose from the vintage, bargain bin, and new arrival sections.

Bargain Bin

Barry Switzer - Buy Him Now $1.99 - I'll throw in free shipping on this model. I'm sure he'd love to coach again but I'm not sure there would be any takers on a booze swigging coach who

specializes in the the option.

George Seifert - Buy Him Now $99.99 - He may suck as a coach, but if you purchase George, I promise he will sing the Bossanova any time you want... The dance of love.

Vintage

Joe Gibbs - Out Of Stock - We tried re-releasing this model a few years back, after mixed results we put the mold back in the vault. There is a spin off model available at our NASCAR shop.

Mike Ditka - Out Of Stock - I'd love to be able to offer up Iron Mike, but it's amazing how trading away your entire draft for Ricky Williams takes away your credibility. Or maybe it was this?

John Madden - Out Of Stock - He makes millions announcing, millions doing commercials, and mega millions on video games. That makes him the smartest coach ever. He could probably buy the NFL or EBay.

Don Shula - Out Of Stock - He's the winningest coach ever and he makes a mean steak sandwich.

We have a better chance of seeing him in another Ace Ventura movie than on an NFL sideline.

Jimmy Johnson - Out Of Stock - I'd love to think Jimmy would take on more shot at it, in fact I thought the Danny would have made a run at him by now. Unfortunately, unless he can coach while knocking back a couple Heinekens and eating Nachos, no deal!

Dick Vermeil - Out Of Stock - Do you want a little cheese with that wine? You might get him to come in and interview, but in the end he'll decide to stay retired, and everyone can have a good cry about it.

Bill Parcels - Buy Him Now $25 million - Yep, this oldy but goody is always looking for another dance partner. And it doesn't matter is he's under contract somewhere else, the Tuna is always ready to jump ship. He's easier than Paris Hilton on a Vegas trip.

New Arrivals

Bill Cowher - Buy Him Now $50 million - When he decides to coach again, he will become the highest paid coach ever. Will he be worth it...all sales are final.

Brian Billick - Buy Him Now $15 million Or Best Offer - I cannot stand to watch another game with him as a commentator. Make an offer, I'll listen.

Mike Holmgren - Buy Him Now $20 million - "Retired" to open a book store. Unless that store is full of West Coast playbooks, he'll be back soon. Comes with an unlimited supply of Starbucks coffee.

Mike Shanahan - Buy Him Now $30 million - He's a steal since Pat Bowlen will be picking up part of his tab. Let old "wooden teeth" coach and keep him away from drafting defensive players.

Tony Dungy - Out Of Stock - I'm sure a lot of teams will talk to him, but I truly believe he's done. I don't think any amount of money will make a difference.

John Gruden - Buy Him Now $25 million - The Bucs trades 2 #1 and 2 #2 draft picks along with 8 million for him. You think they should have shopped him a little before firing him with $17 million left on his contract? Another steal as the Glazers give you a discount.

I guess the point is there are some awesome coaches available. They have great resumes, that's for sure. But you know what? At one point all these guys were no named assistants looking for their first break. Madden, Gibbs, Cowher, Dungy, on and on. So who knows what the right choice is?

Even if these guys never coach again, they have made millions and have had great careers. No need crying over them...well you can cry with Vermeil.

Cheers and Hail

Team USA Can't Lose

Not with Bill Ripken coaching. This spring Ripken will be where he was born to be, in a dugout surrounded by Major League ballplayers. Ripken was chosen by Manager Davey Johnson to be one of his assistant coaches for Team USA in the World Baseball Classic.

Since retiring from a 12 year MLB career Bill has been the Co-Owner and Executive Vice President of Ripken Baseball. Along with his brother Cal, they have built a baseball empire in their hometown of Aberdeen, MD. So whether it's teaching a seven year old how to field a ground ball, designing baseball stadiums, or running baseball franchises, it's baseball 24/7 for the Ripkens. Along the way Bill has become one of the premier baseball instructors in the world. His enthusiasm for the game translates equally as well to an 8 year old, as it does a proven major league veteran. If you've ever had the pleasure of meeting Bill it's an experience I'm sure you haven't forgotten. He certainly brings a presence.

When I wrote that Russ Grimm is the picture and epitome of a football coach, the same is to be said for Cal Ripken Sr. And when I look at Bill, I see Cal Sr. What I'd like to see is Bill on the Orioles bench for the next dozen years or so, and Cal in the owner's box. But, I guess Peter Angelos isn't as smart as I am. I mean it's really easy to figure out, Ripken = Oriole. "The Oriole way" was lost long ago. Because the Oriole way is "The Ripken way," born over 30 years ago in the lower levels of the Oriole's minor leagues.

So for now, I'll root for the USA and Bill this March. I didn't follow the the Baseball Classic that closely 2 years ago. In fact, I was upset that it took a lot of the players away from the spring training games that I enjoy watching here in the Tampa area. However, this year I have a new found interest in our team and Bill succeeding.

Team USA will be training here in my backyard on March 1. I've noticed that a lot of players have been declining their invitations to play. I will tell you now Billy, that I will accept if you invite me to play. You know very well what I am capable of on the field. A career .550 hitter in the Ripken MLE, a figure that rises when facing Ripken pitching. I'm a little out of shape, but could still fill a Terry Crowley type of role (warning strong language) for Team USA!

Good luck Bill, and make sure you visit Lenny's they make the best meatballs, just like Mama used to make!

Cheers and Hail

Porkboy46: Man Oh Manning

"Yep, looks like things are winding down here, let's move up that Enzyte commercial"

This time of year is tough for many NFL players and coaches. Their seasons over much sooner than they had hoped or planned...but for one guy this is the time of year he lives for, it is his true passion! Now that the season is over, Peyton Manning can get to work selling anything and everything! Now, don't get me wrong he usually will spend the first couple of days blaming his teammates, blaming the officials, and blaming the gosh darn league! (I actually love the last one, one of the rules he always whined about not getting called, illegal contact down field, was one of the calls that doomed his team on that final drive, Ha Ha)

But after those 2 days, its right to work selling everything from Oreos to Visa to Gatorade to Sony. I'm sick of seeing his Frankenstein face! My guess is he's already made 4 or 5 commercials this week! If he wanted to make some real money how about renting out that billboard he calls a forehead!

The one thing that really burns my ass was Dungy's retirement press conference. Where was the All-Pro Quarterback? Probably licking an Oreo, too bad he couldn't lick Norv Turner! Take time out from being in front of the camera and see off the man who won you a title! Yeah that's right, Tony won you a title, not the other way around. You did your usual playoff routine of throwing more pickles than TD's and his defense carried you!

Well on to other things, like .....Eli

It's so great that the Eli that I know and love came back to us! Now all we have to figure out is, who was that impostor that played for the Giants last January? I love seeing Eli make throws that make every one say "WHAT THE F WAS THAT? " My favorite part is when he gets that look on his face while he walks to the sideline like a kid that's wondering why his dog shit in his lunch bag!!

(watch imitation by Colt Brennan below)

Playoff Breakdown - Eagles/Giants from Tanner Cooley on Vimeo.

Don't get me wrong, they are both better than Tony "Entertainment Tonight" Romo! That poor bastard is starting to look a lot like Jim "Chris" Everett

Finally, I saw a lot of the adds "keep gym class".... are they getting rid of it? I think gym class is so great they need to give it to adults at work! How great would that be, if the french can get their "drink on" at lunch, why can't we play a little dodge ball or Frisbee football?

Imagine the half hour before lunch, getting to play kickball or stick ball, that would be sweet! Sign me up !

the other white meat

Can't Find A Better Man

Tony Dungy retired today after 31 seasons as a player and coach. I'd have to say he earned it. He's a lock for the Hall of Fame after winning 148 games and a Super Bowl. 10 consecutive seasons in the playoffs, six consecutive 12-win seasons. He also leaves with the highest average of regular-season victories of any coach in league history (10.7).

Living in Tampa Bay gives you a better idea about Tony Dungy, the man. Over the 5 years that I have lived here, I've run into many people who have met Tony Dungy and they all talk about the man, not the coach. In fact, the fans down here have never gotten over Tony leaving. You could poll 100 people and ask them why the Bucs won the Super Bowl in 2002, and at least 90 of them would say "Tony Dungy." Truth be told, Chucky has never been popular here, and after his performance since that Super Bowl win, the fans are calling for his job.

Tony never won anything in Tampa, but his legend will never die here. So while his name will never be in the Bucs all-time record books, he will always be in the fan's hearts. I think he's OK with that.

In the long run, no one wants to make their mark in the workplace. It's touching the lives of your friends, families, and loved ones that really makes a difference. Sometimes, good people make you want to be a better man.

And you won't find a better man than Tony Dungy.

Cheers and Hail

Porkboy 46: What A Weekend

Fatpickle's note: Please welcome Porkboy46 as a regular contributor to Fatpickled. Porkboy comes to us with an awesome resume. He has logged thousands of hours in front of a TV forming his opinions on athletes and sports. His writing experience consists of emails and letters to Donovan Mcnabb, Terrell Owens, and Andre Rison.. and that's pretty much his literary background. His brain has turned to shit, and this is the kind of shit he's going to share with you. Welcome aboard!
I read a small piece in SI and it talked about the decision by the Cardinals to go back to Edgerrin James for more carries because they wanted to be more balanced on offense. The big reason was negative carries. They experienced 3 times more negative carries when Hightower was the starter. Negative carries are runs that loose yardage, giving you 2nd and 12, and 2nd and 13 situations. Those are never good, but even worse in the playoffs. The situation reminded me of when that pissbag quarterback Scott Mitchell left Detroit and went to Baltimore. He was asked if it would be tough not having Barry Sanders? His reply was "yeah it will be nice not to have all those 2nd and 13 situations." You can't consistently put your offense in 2nd and long and 3rd and long. The back that grinds out a 1 yard or 2 yard gain is keeping his teams options open for the rest of the series. They say that a sack is worth about 3 points because it almost always is a drive stopper. By that logic a running back who constantly dances looking for the home run might be costing his team a point every time he doesn't trust the hole and get whatever he can get. I have been so impressed with the Cardinals and their whole team make over that they have had in the playoffs!.....Larry Fitzgerald is the truth !

How about Mc-rib (Mcnabb ) giving that look when he got the safety?.... Is this another rule you don't know about you tool? I did like the phone deal he did on the sideline late in the game, I like it because it again showed what an idiot he is.
What was with Tennessee D-end and those red contacts? Did he think it was going to help him see a fastball better?... All it let him see is his team doing its best impersonation of the Cowboys, lots of penalties and lots of turnovers! Lendale White has got a gut bigger than mine!!
CBS does a mediocre job when they roll out their A team, so a Saturday with their B team really sucked! It was like they had only 2 cameras and hardly any replays. It looked like Flacco stepped out of the endzone and no one noticed it or even replayed it? I was going f'ing nuts! It wasn't until Sunday morning that ESPN showed that he came close but did not go out of the back of the end zone. They said " he almost pulled an Orlovsky!"

Next week will be great, all the Baltimore fans that were whining about the goal line call can get a chance to stop them again. However, I think Baltimore loses by 14!

I look forward to seeing the Cards host a conference title game... and rooting against the Eagles! That will be sweet!!

Please post some comments about our articles, we are going to have a random drawing for the people that comment. 1 lucky person will get an autographed picture of me with no shirt on !!!

the other white meat

Who's # 1?...Good F'ing Question

That's mine, no.. it's mine, no I deserve it!

So by now you have read a thousand articles about how the BCS sucks and college football needs a playoff system, well here's # 1,001. But first, let me ask this question...have you read an article saying the BCS is awesome and there is no need for a playoff? I'm sure the answer to that is no.
So if you and I and every other sane person knows we need a playoff, why isn't it done?

We all know it comes down to money. The universities, the coaches, the host cities, and the networks are getting rich and none of them wants to give up the $$$$. Meanwhile, the student athletes are often deprived of playing for the one thing that means something to them, a National Title. So while Bob Stoops will walk away with a 6 figure bonus for having his team lose a fictional title game, all the players from Utah got was some D-list swag. Oh yeah, the Utah (Texas, USC) players also have a lifetime of asking themselves what could have been?

The college season started in August and finished in January, parts of six months. Yet we still don't have a clear cut national champion. Every other college sport has a playoff system. Both Men's and Women's Basketball, Lacrosse, Volleyball, Baseball/Softball, everything. And not just Division I, Divisions II and III have playoffs.

Obama will have his hands full trying to fix the economy and world peace, but this is a simple fix. He's already got his plan and like Chris Berman says here, "you can probably make that happen."

Hall of Fame Player, Hall of Fame Coach?

"Norv Turner ain't worth a shit, Russ Grimm should be the head coach of the Skins"

Margaret Pearson circa 1995

My late Grandmother told me those words with great confidence. And while she may have been right that Grimm was the best coach the Skins had in 1995 (or 2008), Russ has never risen to the head coach position. In fact, this time of year that normally was the annual "Art Monk gets the shaft for the HOF" time of year, is now the Russ Grimm "gets the shaft for the HOF and head coaching position" time of year. This will mark the 5th consecutive season that Grimm has been interviewed for head coaching positions, and the 4th consecutive season that he has been a finalist for the HOF.

As a player Russ won 3 Super Bowls in his 11 seasons with the Skins. He was elected to the Pro Bowl 4 times, and also was selected All Pro 4 seasons. He played Center, Guard, and Tackle. He was the definition of the "Hogs." As a coach he has led some of the best offensive lines in the past 15 years. He also added another Super Bowl ring as a coach for the Steelers. He can boast on his resume that he has played or coached 19 seasons under Bill Cowher and Joe Gibbs.

So while Grimm may not be a great interview, or some new offensive genius, he is the epitome of a coach. Just look at the picture above, is that not the picture you would put in the dictionary under football coach?

So I hope that this is the year that Grimm gets his parlay, a HOF ticket and to be the head coach of a NFL franchise. My guess, Russ gets into the Hall of Fame, and passed over again as a coach.

But I hope I'm wrong, and I hope an owner will step up to prove my Nanny right!

Cheers and Hail

Crab Dribble

Is there something on my chin?

I've played and watched a lot of basketball in my time, but this week was the first time I heard the term "crab dribble." I'm familiar with the "crab walk", an old school exercise from football practice back in the day. When researching for this post, I learned the urban dictionary meaning for "crabwalk."(Warning, adult humor)

Basketball wasn't my sport, although I was an awesome shooter. However, I didn't enjoy passing the ball or playing defense, sounds like I could have made the NBA!

I do know what a travel is, and I love Lebron James being called for one in the final seconds of a tight game. The Wizards may be terrible this season, but their rivalry with the Cavs is worth watching.

(I've watched this several times, he may take 4 steps?)

Six Degrees Of Fatpickled + Playoff Picks

Here are some of the stories that I have found interesting over the past week or so. My Playoff picks for today will follow after the 6 links.

Charles Barkley was headed for a "booty call" when he got arrested. I'd run a stop sign for one of those.

An ex-Redskin wrote an article about how some NFL players don't want to make the playoffs.

Here's a link to the glory days, with lots of info about the Redskin's 25th Anniversary of Super Bowl XVII.

More on my favorite pitcher of all-time, Mike Mussina.

And finally, its the "countdown" time of year, here's one from Shutdown Corner, and one that I wrote.

Now, my picks for today. I must confess that this has been my worst season by far, for picking NFL games. I was 0-2 yesterday, so I need to get these 2 right, just to get to .500.

Baltimore 20 Miami 17

Defense wins Championships. The Ravens aren't going to win the Super Bowl, but they win here.

Eagles 27 Vikings 13

Tarvaris Jackson has played well since returning from injury. I expect Jim Johnson to blitz him early and often, and Jackson to play poorly today.

Saturday NFL Playoff Games

Atlanta 27 Arizona 23

I expect a big game from Michael Turner and a couple TD's from Matt Ryan to be just enough to edge out the Cards.

Indy 31 Chargers 21

Great job by the Chargers going from 4-8 to the Playoffs, but they run out of gas against the NFL's MVP.

Cheers and Hail

2008 Redskins Report Card

Another season is in the books for the Washington Redskins. It was a season of highs and lows and it seemed to fly by especially fast this year. In the end they finished where they started, a very "medium" 8-8. Some would say that with a new coach an 8-8 or 9-7 season was to be expected, I would disagree. This was a playoff team in 2007 and nearly every piece of the puzzle, both coaches and players alike, were back. That coupled with a 6-2 first half should have meant a playoff birth. Oh well, there's always next year. Here's my final grades for the Skins, from the top to the bottom.

Dan Snyder - B-
Good things,
He didn't have his private jet flying all over the place spending big $$ on free agents last offseason. He didn't keep Gregg Williams around to be the head coach, and was able to keep Greg Blache from retiring. Honoring Sean Taylor with induction to the ring of honor was a nice touch. He also provided some enjoyable YouTubes.
Now for the bad,
His loyalty to Vinny Cerrato has not provided the Redskins with the front office structure they need to be successful (ie Vinny needs to go.) The Zorn pick for Head Coach is still debatable, especially if Jim Swartz is a successful head coach next year. Cowboys, Eagles, and Steeler fans taking over Fedex was embarrassing, the marketing department should have been proactive in not allowing this to happen

Vinny Cerrato - D

The draft was a debacle, aside from Horton and Brennan, nice pickups late in the draft. DeAngelo Hall was a nice addition mid-season, but then everyone knew he would land in Washington. Everything else sucked. Jason Taylor was a huge bust. Cerrato's choice of a Punter actually cost us a game or two! Lets see what Vinny has in store for us this offseason.

Jim Zorn (Head Coach) - C

At this point I like Zorn better as a head coach than an offensive coordinator. He seemed to run a tight ship and appeared well prepared from the start of training camp. Too much info given to the media about in house stuff. His public spat with Portis was not handled well. The Skins were 2-6 in the 2nd half. Hail maroon and black.

Jim Zorn (Offensive Coordinator) - C-

The offense had a few moments where things were clicking but not many. The rushing game was strong (using the same plays from Gibbs.) Play calling was poor and Zorn sometimes appeared lost. Red zone offense was terrible. Offense ranked near the bottom of the league in scoring and yards. Zorn needs to get much better or delegate more.

Greg Blache - B

He led the 4th ranked defense in the NFL. Got the defense to play well thru injuries. Coming back next year, but several coaches may not. Only gripe is the defense didn't seem to make stops or big plays when needed.

Quarterbacks - C

Campbell only turned the ball over 7 times and improved his QB rating and completion percentage for 3rd straight year. But, the improvements are baby steps, not giant strides. QB's with less experience are playing better and leading their teams to the playoffs. It's time so start seeing improvements in the W department. Collins took only a handful of snaps. Colt Brennan is like the new chick in school. Everyone wants to date her because they think she's hot. The truth is, she may not be hot, she's just new. However, Colt should get extra snaps and game time in preseason next year to see what he can do.

Running Backs - B

Portis had a Pro Bowl season, was 4th in the league in rushing and played thru various injuries. He did say several negative things publicly about his coaches and teammates in the media, and for the first time I have concerns about his character. Betts was serviceable as his backup and Cartwright played little. Sellers had a Pro Bowl season was a beast as a blocker. If we could just take back one play.




Wide Receivers - C-

Moss had a 1000 yd season and is still a game changer. However, he dropped to many balls and seemed to disappear from the offense for several weeks at a time. Randle El would have good numbers for a 3rd WR, which he should be, but he's our 2nd. Thrash contributed little. Thomas showed glimpses of promise but overall did not do much. Kelly is a disaster to this point.

Tight Ends- B

Cooley posted career highs in receptions and yards on his way to his 2nd consecutive Pro Bowl selection. Zorn needs to use him more down field (deep post, post corners) and in the red zone. Yoder played well when called upon. Boozie Davis came thru with a -3 yd reverse.

Offensive Line - C-

Strong running game averaged 130 yds per game, 8th in the NFL. Kendall probably stood out along with Samuels (when healthy.) Pass protection was poor and the line is getting old. This unit has to be a priority in the offseason.

Defensive Line - C

Played well against the run. This line is made up of serviceable NFL players, no studs. Golston, Montgomery, Alexander, Griffin, and Evans are all good players. Carter and Taylor provided little pressure on the QB, and combined for only 66 tackles and 7.5 sacks. We need a difference maker on this unit.

Linebackers - B-

Fletcher was awesome and is the heart of the defense, he was robbed of the Pro Bowl. Mcintosh played well. I'm worried that Marcus Washington will never be the same again. HB Blades played decent filling in both inside and outside spots. If Jason Taylor comes back, I would like to see him moved around more and used like he was in the Eagles game.

Secondary - B
Springs was banged up again and will be gone next year. Rodgers played better, but still can't catch. I hope he catches a 1,000 passes a day in the offseason. Smoot is a solid #3 CB. Hall played decent, but he tackles like my 4 year old. I think we need to resign him, but don't get crazy doing so. Landry is tough, but needs to cut out the stupid penalties. Horton showed flashes and could become a solid player.

Special Teams - D
Yuck. The Punters were terrible. Randle El was horrible returning punts. Suisham was ok early, but got cold at the worst time of the year. Coverage teams were so-so. Cartwright does a fine job returning kicks.

I guess if you average these grades together you'd come out with a C average. A medium grade indeed. Certainly better than I fared in High School and College, but not what I'd have hoped for from my team. Like I said earlier, there's always next year see you in Miami!

Cheers and Hail