Happy Birthday Fatpickled

One year ago today I sat down and started a little project…I had no idea what I was getting into! A Redskin’s win over Dallas inspired me to sit down and create a blog. Despite the fact that I’m not the most computer savvy guy in the world, I somehow navigated my way to blogger where budlightthoughts.blogspot was born. A week or so later I changed the name of the site to Fatpickled, a play on a username that I’ve used for many years. My first header is pictured above, it was kinda cool…it changed to my current header shortly before http://www.fatpickled.com/ was launched in January.

It’s gone a lot further than I could have ever imagined, to date I’ve had nearly 200K hits for the year (minus my 100k, that’s still a solid #.) In the next few days I plan on posting a Top Ten collection of my favorite and most visited posts, but today I’d like to thank a few people that have helped support the site in the past year.

I’ve been very fortunate to have some VIP’s in the sports and blogging world help me along the way:

Tanner and Chris Cooley have been so awesome and instrumental to this site. I’m convinced the site wouldn’t exist without The Cooley Zone. When my comments on their site started turning into blog posts I knew it was time to start my own. My site wouldn’t be called Fatpickled either…had certain Cooley family members not thought my comments and handle were funny. Tanner has been a huge supporter since day 1 and I consider him a friend. Chris has granted me interviews, posted comments and worn a Fatpickled tee shirt to show his support. Additionally I’m also honored they allow me to be a contributor to the Cooley Zone, thanks for everything Cooley bros!

I respect Matt Terl as much as any blogger in the business…he also happens to have the coolest job as the official blogger of the Redskins. Matt linked Fatpickled to the Redskins site early on and has supported the site with links and tweets ever since. He works extremely hard and produces awesome inside info on the Redskins several times a day. If you don’t have his site under your favorites and don’t check it on a daily basis, well…your cheating yourself. Thanks Matt for your support, keep up the great work.

Hot Clicks is the Holy Grail for sports bloggers…it’s located in the Extra Mustard section of SI’s website and is run by Jimmy Traina. There is no better feeling as a blogger than to click on Hot Clicks around 11am (approx time it’s updated M-F) and see your site linked to it, because you know your going to get major traffic that day. In fact, this site probably had closer to 250K hits in the past year, but Jimmy’s loyal Yankee followers crashed my site for 8 days…and I’m ok with that. Hot Clicks is an awesome blend of sports and pop culture and is a must read on a daily basis. Thank you Jimmy for including Fatpickled…it’s your world, I’m just passing thru it.

I’d also like to thank the Fat White Guy; we are partners in crime who tag team posts from time to time. He’s a gifted writer who covers sports and pop culture at his site. Thanks Rob, I look forward to working with you moving forward.

I have some awesome writers who contribute to this blog, although none of them will be accused of working too much, haha. Porkboy, Lazy JC, E4three and RevJT…thanks for your humor and talent.

I need to thank Oliver Morris, who is responsible for setting up my site, my header, photo shopping and t-shirt designs…thanks Ollie.

Thanks to all the current and former athletes who granted me interviews. I know you didn’t have to grant an interview to a small blog run by a guy named Fatpickle…I thank you for doing so.

Most importantly, I have to thank Mrs. Pickle. I’m blessed to have a super hot and cool wife. I work long hours in my real job, then come home with an idea that I must blog about. She puts up with my hobby and supports me…even if she doesn’t read my blog. Thanks for being the most awesome wife and mommy, you are the MVP of my life.

Finally, thanks to all of you reading this right now. I hope you have found some entertainment and humor here in the past year. I appreciate your comments and tell your friends to visit…year 2 is going to be so much better.

Cheers and Hail

Coping With A Redskins Loss

This post originaly appeared at The Cooley Zone

Yeah, yeah, yeah, the Redskins lost to the Giants…I know it sucks, I feel your pain. But, it was the 1st game of the season, it was the Giants and it was in New York. Sure it would be nice to get a win there, but 1 game does not make a season. As a fan that can remember games back to the 81’ season, I’ve suffered thru 213 losses…that’s a lifetime of heartbreak. However, the key is learning how to deal with the loss and recognizing certain symptoms that come from the losing. You may be suffering from some of the conditions that I’m going to discuss in this post…the first step is admitting you have the problem. Ladies and gentleman, the stages of a Redskin’s loss.

DAY 1 (Game day)

Disbelief – During this stage you take a few moments to review your thoughts. You say things like “we didn’t just lose, did we?” “WTF happened on that WR option play with Randle El?” “Are we really the only team in the division without a win?”

Anger – Oh yeah, your pissed now. You text, email or call everyone in your cell phone that will listen to you, even the ones who won’t listen to you! You say things you really don’t mean, things like “Portis is over the hill, put in Mason” or “F Campbell, sign Garcia or Jeff George” and “We’ll never win under Zorn, I want Shanahan.”
Your wife/girlfriend asks you “what do you care it’s only a football game” you reply something really stupid like “I’ve loved them longer than I’ve loved you.” This will haunt you a lot longer than the loss to the Giants!

Numbness – After you’ve gone thru your Rolodex and contacted everyone you can, you sit in your Lazy-boy and drink and eat everything in the house. You barely speak, in fact you're only forms of communications at this point are mumbling and grunting (maybe an occasional fart, your wife/girlfriend is really happy with you at this point.) The day ends with you passing out in your lucky jersey (which is no longer lucky) and your wife’s diary looks like this.

Day 2 (The day after)

Game Hangover – You wake up, groggy and trying to collect your bearings…and hoping the day before never happened. You get on the Internet and confirm that yes, the Skins lost! At this point it’s time to take your thoughts to the mainstream media, I mean all your friends have already heard your BS…let’s post it on the internet message boards and call sports talk radio shows! At the Cooley Zone you say something like “Chris, here’s my email address, tell Zorn to call me…his play calling sucks!” or you call Lavar and Dukes to say “the Skins will go 6-10, it’s time to start planning for 2010.”

Day 3

Rest – On day 3, you rest. You re-watch the game…but you’re not angry. You cuddle with your wife, you watch some Housewives show on A&E.

Day 4

Coming out of the fog - The Dallas fan at work greets you in the morning with a jab about the Skins, without thinking you tell him to go F himself. You start rambling on about how we were a couple plays away from beating the Giants in New York and how we’re gonna sweep the Cowgirls. You sit at your desk and you feel…peace.

Drinking the Kool-Aid – You look at the remaining schedule and all of the sudden…the Skins are going to go 15-1. You start texting, calling and emailing your friends and say things like “I think Portis is going to to rush for 150 this week” and “JC’s going to have a Pro Bowl year, just wait and see!” It’s time to go mainstream again so you head back to the Cooley’s message board “Zorn’s going to be the Coach of the Year” you call L&D “the Skins will win the Super Bowl this year with a last second option pass…Randle El to Cooley.”

Day 5

On day 5 you go back to your normal self, and I guess what I’m trying to say to everyone is…just pretend like it’s day 5. Don’t get too high when we rip off 4-5 wins in a row and don’t bash the team after this loss. The Skins played hard and it was a tough situation that they went into. I’m a diehard and I’m sure you are too, let’s support the team and move forward. I mean…I looked at the schedule, I don’t think we’re going to have to deal with another loss this season.

Beat This Caption

While reading the @redskinsblog last Friday I was surprised to find the above picture of Chris Cooley. I mean how awesome is it that he’s wearing a Fatpickled shirt…and as an added bonus he’s holding a monkey? You can’t even begin to dream this up. This has so many marketing ideas, I don’t even know where to begin. So, I’m going to open it up to you guys. Give me your best caption in the comments, and the winner will receive a free Fatpickled tee. I have them available in both mens and ladies so everyone is welcome to give it a try. “Do you want to touch my monkey,” is an obvious choice so that one is excluded and you can’t use my choice:

“This monkey is probably going to shit on me, hand me that Fatpickled shirt that’s laying in the bottom of my locker.”

I’ll contact the winner within 7 days to arrange delivery of your shirt.

Cheers and Hail

Another Housewives Show Is Coming!

Chris and Christy Cooley are set to star in a new E! show premiering Nov 18th. True Hollywood Story: Football Wives will peak into Christy’s everyday life as the wife of the Redskin’s most popular player. It only makes sense as the Cooley’s have already tackled the Internet (The Cooley Zone & everywhere else,) Radio (EITM & SportsHub) and Movies (Ghost Don’t Exists.)

E! chose Christy because she’s sweet and down to earth (probably doesn’t hurt that she’s also H-O-T.) There were some curious choices for other player’s wives: Adam Archuleta (no longer in the league) and Jeff Garcia’s beard…I mean wife may be on. So look out for the show in November. In the meantime my blogging buddy (The Fat White Guy) continues to find Chris Cooley fan’s around the world. Who wears a Chris Cooley jersey to a Bills/Patriots game in New England…apparently this guy does.




Cheers and Hail

Football Makes Everything Better

This post originally appeared at The Cooley Zone

It’s the most wonderful time of the year…well, maybe not for the 2,500 NFL players that are reporting to training camp this week. For the next 3 weeks they’re going to be sweating their sacks off in two a day practices. Knocking the shit out of each other, sitting in endless meetings and soaking achy muscles in ice tubs. How do they do that anyway? Just the thought of lowering my boys into ice…not worried about shrinkage…worried about disappearance! Anyway, I’m happier than a puppy with 2 peters because the beginning of training camp means that the 2009 NFL season is upon us and football just makes everything better! Yes, it actually improves quality of life. Sound silly? It’s not; I’ll prove it to you.

10 things football makes better.

#10 – Food – I’m trying to figure out how to lose 10 lbs before the start of the season because I know I’m going to put on 15 during the season! Wings, chips, pizza and dips all taste better during football season. I think Velveeta was invented specifically for the NFL season. It gives us all a reason to eat bad foods because that’s what you do during football games. It just is.

#9 – Sports Blogs – Let’s face it, without football, blogs kind of suck. How much baseball can we talk about? How many top 10 lists can we make up? Bloggers need coaches like Dennis Green and Jim Mora going berserk, that’s good material. Bloggers need bad play calling and underachieving draft picks. And let’s face it; you want to come here to see Cooley talking about the Cowboys, not Fatpickle talking about cheese.

#8 – Sundays – Sunday, the day for rest and relaxation. NOT! There should be nothing relaxing about Sunday. Sundays are for getting nervous, excited and pissed at the Redskins…sometimes all at the same time! So forget about reading the Sunday paper in the lazy boy and watching Tom Watson play golf. It’s so much more fun figuring out how you’re going to pay your bookie because Eli Manning threw a pick 6 in the last minute. It was a sure thing the Giants were going to beat the Bengals.

#7 – Sports Talk Radio- Similar to the bloggers, the radio personalities need some material. How long can they talk about the Orioles and Nats losing? What they need is someone to shoot themselves in the leg, they need an owner having dinner with Shanahan, they can run with that. They need the guy calling in who just lost $500 on the Eli Manning play, that’s good radio.

#6 – Beer – Beer is better during the NFL season …oh who am I kidding? Beer is good all year long; the NFL season does nothing to make it better. But, when the Redskins lose, beer helps…temporarily.

#5 – Tailgating- Unless you’ve been to a Kenny Chesney or Jimmy Buffet concert this summer, you probably haven’t tailgated in awhile. Football gives us a reason to do so. Football gives us a reason for more food, Jell-O shooters, tossing the football around and cornhole. Good times with family, friends and strangers. And if you are tailgating, it sounds like Mama Cooley has the right game plan to follow.

#4 – Personal Relationships – From February to July I talk once or twice a month with some of the people that mean the most to me, but come football season, we may talk once or twice a day. We are always emailing, texting or phoning each other to talk about the games and events of the week. Football brings us closer for 6 months a year and I’m thankful for that.

#3- TV Viewing – summertime is the worst for TV, but that will end soon. We now have the NFL channel, the Sunday Ticket and TIVO working for us. We can watch an entire replay of the game in 60 minutes, anytime we want! No more reruns of the New Adventures Of Old Christine, we got choices!

#2 – Hope and Optimism – There is nothing I want to see more than a parade in Washington D.C for the Super Bowl Champion Washington Redskins. As the season starts I feel like that can happen. I see Cooley on the left and Portis on the right, Obama in the middle. I see it. I’m happy. When I finish this post I’m checking flights to Miami. I’m drinking the Kool Aid; I’ve got my Nikes on.


#1 – Fantasy Football – Is there anything better than Fantasy Football? Most of you are probably working on your cheat sheets and sleeper picks already. The drafts (more fun, food and booze) are so much fun. In late August I will travel back to VA for my league’s 12th annual fantasy draft. 12 years ago we were single college aged guys with no wives or kids. We return this year, most of us married, and we now have 12 kids among us. We’re still kids, just with more chins. We come from Florida, we come from Ohio, it doesn’t matter…football keeps us together. And I (the 22 Swinging Dicks) am going to kick some ass this year.

Now after all that, I have 1 question for you…ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?

Cheers and Hail

July 11: Happy Birthday Chris Cooley & Len Hauss

This is chance to combine a happy birthday post with my favorite things post. Happy birthday to my favorite current NFL player, Chris Cooley. There were several events that transpired that led to Chris becoming my favorite. I have long been a fan of the tight end position (that definitely sounds gay.) Over the course of the years I’ve watched and rooted for Don Warren, Clint Didier, Jamie Asher, and Stephen Alexander. Then, in 2004 Joe Gibbs returned as coach. The rumor from that year’s draft was that the Skins were going to take Kellen Winslow Jr. out of Miami with their first round pick. This was something that I DID NOT WANT. I wanted the once in a lifetime safety, Sean Taylor. Well what do you know, the Skins actually did something I wanted and picked Taylor, upsetting Winslow Jr. and Sr. (whom Gibbs had coached in San Diego.) Then, in the third round the Skins traded to pick Chris Cooley out of Utah State. I had never heard of the guy but upon a little research I found out he led all college tight ends in receptions and was a finalist for the Mackey award…I was intrigued.

During the pre-season games that year I was able to see Cooley in action for the first time. He was playing the H-back position in Gibb’s offense. I was hooked the moment I saw this big and somewhat awkward white guy rambling down the field wearing #47. He looked like a modern day John Riggins. He earned the starting position that year and has never looked back. He now has consecutive Pro Bowl appearances to go along with 314 receptions for 3,457 yards and 28Td’s. He also has the Riggins type of personality to go with his on field performance. Marrying a cheerleader, drinking 21 shots, short shorts and a fro.

Thanks to the power of technology, I’ve been fortunate enough to be a part of Chris’s website…The Cooley Zone. Whether I’ve been commenting on others posts or writing my own, it’s been great fun. In fact, I’m pretty sure that Fatpickled would have never existed if not for Chris’s blog. Funny how things work out sometimes, happy 27th CC.

Happy birthday Len Hauss. Len played 14 seasons with the Skins, playing in 196 games, starting 192 of them! He is one of the 70 Greatest Redskins and was selected to 6 Pro Bowls. That’s some pretty impressive stuff…happy 67th birthday Mr. Hauss.


Cheers and Hail

Gridiron Gala: Party Like It's 1991!

"Some men are born with greatness, some men achieve greatness, and some men have greatness thrust upon them. A combination of the 3 makes you immortal."

I'm not sure who said that quote first, but I use to hear it on the Greaseman show back in the day...spoken by the one and only Don King. Ha Ha. But speaking about back in the day, and speaking of greatness, a special event is coming to RFK featuring the dynasty that was the 80's-90's Washington Redskins.

It's called the Gridiron Gala, and judging from what I've seen about this event, I'd give half my c&%k to be there. First of all it starts with a tailgate party outside of legendary RFK stadium. That's cool enough, because you haven't tailgated at RFK in a long time unless your a soccer fan...or the last time you did there was no cornhole!

Later, the party moves inside RFK, where the honoring of those great Skins players fully begins. Break bread and rub elbows with Gibbs, Clark, Theismann, and Rypien to name a few. It's a fantasy camp of your all-time favorite Skins for the cost of an NFL game ticket...in 1983!

There's also a Madden Gaming Challenge in which you could win the chance to play Chris Cooley in Madden 10. I personally would beat Chris using the Redskins and only using pass plays to Chris Cooley, and talk shit the whole time. Talk shit like "hey Chris, how's Madden Chris Cooley's ass taste?" But...that's just me. Maybe you'll beat him using only Clinton Portis's running plays.

Here's a preview of the Gala, and you can also get updates moving forward on Facebook and Twitter.

Cheers and Hail

The Six Degrees Of Fatpickled

Six Degrees of Fatpickled is a weekly rundown of 6 items that I have enjoyed. Make sure you check them out.

Cooley writes a post about all the things that a man enjoys about being a man. Going to Home Depot to buy power tools, check. Burning shit for fun, check. Drinking beers around your pool watching chicks in bikinis, check. Getting ticks on your sack? well yeah, check. And to you Chris, which pool party am I invited to? Demetric Evans is loaning me his speedo!

For those of you who follow my blog, I hope you have all checked out my link to The Fat White Guy. His real name is Rob Lunn and he's playing professional football overseas. Besides having his own site, Rob writes for about a 1,000 others including guests spots on Cooley and Deadspin. Truth is Rob is not fat, not bald, appears to be very smart, funny, and has a good looking girlfriend (what an asshole.) Anyway, the 2 posts that FWG wrote for Deadspin have been awesome. The Nigerian whore story had me thinking of the Farley clip at the bottom of this post.

The Redskins start a minicamp tomorrow, so today was class pictures. If you want the inside scoop of whats going on at Redskins Park, you need to follow The Official Washington Redskins Blog. And how about the picture of recently signed O-Tackle Mike Williams? He stands 6'6" and currently weighs 404lbs! He makes Samuels look like the Danny!

Everyday, Monday-Friday, I visit Sport's Illustrated Hot Clicks. It's part of the Extra Mustard section. I Love it! It's a daily collection of links to cool stories, blogs, videos, and hot chicks! The subjects vary from sports to pop culture, tv to music. Jimmy Traina is the mastermind behind it all. And he's a smart mf'er, because he linked Fatpickled on Wednesday!

Several stories to check out at Mr. Irrelevant's DMV. Boog Powell, Smoot Smack, and "The jewish Jordan."

Breast Cancer Awareness

I wrote this for The Cooley Zone back in April but never posted here at Fatpickled. Since October is National Breast Cancer Awareness month, I felt like it would be a good time to re-post it.


I just purchased 2 tickets for the Cooley's Rally for the Cure. Unfortunately, my wife and I will not be able to attend. Truth be told, we never had any intentions of attending and I really don't have the extra $100 to spend right now. But the tickets were never intended for us...I bought the tickets for 2 other special people who also will not be able to attend, my grandmothers.

My father's mom Louise died of breast cancer at the age of 32. My father was only 10 years old. Obviously, I never had a chance to meet Louise. This much I do know, she was a beautiful woman who produced my hero, my father. If you live in a great big house in Chantilly, you may even live on Louise avenue. This street is named after my grandmother. I wish I would have gotten the chance to know her.

My mom's mom Margaret (Maggy to friends, Nanny to me) died of kidney cancer at the age of 73. She was awesome, I miss her every day. Although she lived a long and full life of fun and laughter, she left us within days of her diagnosis. Much too quick. One of my Nanny's favorite sayings was "do me this favor and I'll dance at your wedding." She did dance at my wedding, but it was only with me and no one saw it. She was a huge Redskins fan, friends with John Riggins, and once owned a bar in Herndon that the Redskins frequented. She also cut the most glorious fart I have ever heard in my life (this post can't be all sappy with no humor.) I'm not kidding, Yoder couldn't hold a candle to this fart (and if he did, it would have blown him to Arlington.) 2 bucks Nanny, 2 bucks.

My wife recently lost her grandmother Rita after a long battle with lung cancer. My father recently had skin cancer. It doesn't stop there, and my family is no different than yours. We've all been affected by this horrible disease. I'm sure each one of you reading this has a story to tell, maybe even more tragic. Cancer has no prejudices, it attacks the young and old, the rich and poor, the black and the white. This is why we all need to do something about it. I know we will find a cure for this disease in my lifetime, I know it. In the meantime, thousands of folks like Nancy Cooley are busy kicking cancer's ASS!!!

The economy sucks...you don't have to remind me, I'm in the auto business! But, maybe you can find a way to buy a ticket (either for yourself or in spirit) and hang out with the Cooleys to celebrate, remember, and fight back.

And if you attend the rally do me a favor, raise a glass to Louise and Maggy...if you do I'll dance at your wedding.

Cheers and Hail

Sheriff Cooley Winners And IMDB Challenge

This post originally appeared at The Cooley Zone

Thanks to everyone who participated in the "Sheriff Cooley" contest, it was an awesome response and there were a lot of great ideas. One of the coolest things about blogging is the interaction and thoughts that are spurred from each post. For instance, we have learned that taking a picture of your private parts results in about a million hits and late night talk show monolgues. Talking derogatory about a rival hockey player results in the steel city breaking bad on you personally, and some of the worst photoshopping I've ever seen. (Some dude actually looked up gay porn for the one picture, how'd he even know where to find it?)


That being said, the "sheriff" posts didn't cause that kind of riot. It did however cause some serious movement on the IMDB Starmeters for those involved. The Starmeter ranks every actor listed on IMDB, based upon the searches for them on the site. Here is the effect that you guys had on the participants of the post in the week that the post came out.


Alex Karras moved from # 7,597(I was surprised he was that high) to #3,203

Chris Cooley moved from #246,368 to #165,712 (surging past Flo, the waitress from Dumb and Dumber)

Tanner Cooley moved from #1,015,929 to #358,918 (surging past Art Monk, who could forget his role in Jerry Maguire, "nice game Rod")

I think we are better than this, so I'm challenging you to go to work on IMDB, searching Alex, Chris, and Tanner and moving them up the Hollywood ladder. Here are the goals I've set for us to reach in the next week (help us baby jesus, help us Tom Cruise, help us Maxim.com!)

Alex #1899 - 1 spot above Eugene Levy

Chris #29,967 - 1 spot above Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake

Tanner # 69,569 - 1 spot above legenday Sportscaster George Michael (who could forget him in Silence of the Lambs, I sure haven't and I remind him whenever I see him.)

Here are the winners from the contest. You can claim your prize by venturing over to my site http://www.fatpickled.com/, bookmark it to your favorites, then email me.

1st place - And winner of a signed 8x10 of Fatpickle is...Randow who came up with the combination of Pat (from It's Pat) and Gridiron.




2nd place - And winner of a signed 8x10 of Vladimir is...Xstatic4beer who not only has an awesome handle, but also gave us Uncle Buck and Big Wig.

3rd place - And the winner of a signed 8x10 of the man currently over 150,000spots behind Paula Deen on the Starmeter(in his defense she can do things with a green bean that is heaven) is...Tony Corsini who brought us Spicoli and The Helmet Knocker.

Congrats to all, there was some really good ones and it was a difficult choice.

I'll be back sometime next week to I reveal how we did in the IMDB challenge, and to talk about Redskins fans just like you and I (well kind of.)

Update!! Chris moved up to 33,803, Tanner moved up to 52,307

Cheers and Hail

Sheriff Cooley

(This post originally appeared at The Cooley Zone)

I'd recognize that tallywhacker anywhere, it's Cooley poking thru again!

When I first heard that Chris was up for the part of the Sheriff in Ghosts Don't Exist, my immediate thought was of Alex Karras in Porky's. Karras was an ex-NFL player who parlayed his NFL career into a 20+ years of acting, a Monday Night Football gig, plus a few years as a professional wrestler. He played the role of the crooked Sheriff in Porky's (the original American Pie.)

So while Chris may not think he's great in front of the camera and may not have big aspirations for his one line in a movie, I would remind him that Karras got his start by grunting a line or two in Blazing Saddles. "Mongo straight, Mongo like candy." In fact, if they ever remake Blazing Saddles, Chris should read for Mongo, he'd be awesome. And if that role led to a remake of Webster with CC in the dad's role, well then that would be priceless.

Now, on to the wrestling. We all know CC won a State championship as a high school wrestler, so faking a few moves in the squared circle should be gravy. He might want to go legit and do a little MMA action (Michael Westbrook needs better competition), but I recommend the WWE. Vladimir would make a great manager!

So, now it's time for you to get involved. Answer these 2 questions in the comment section.

If you could remake a movie, what roles would you put Chris in?

My picks: Mongo from Blazing Saddles, Irwin "Fletch" Fletcher, and Oger from Revenge of the Nerds.

If CC was a professional wrestler, what would you name him? (Capt. Chaos we all know)

My picks: Crouching Tiger Hidden Cooley, The Sharter (the finishing move is brutal,) The Leesburg Joker

We will review your comments for the best roles and names for the next 5 days. The winners will receive:

1rst place = 8 x 10 autographed photo of Fatpickle

2nd place = 8 x10 autographed photo of Vladimir

3rd place = something signed by CC

Cheers and Hail

E4three32: Please Don't

Fatpickle's note: Please welcome E4three32 as a regular contributor to Fatpickled. E is an aspiring screen writer (his first script is badass!) and CPA. He played college basketball (an astounding accomplishment coming from my family loins,) and brings his special brand of wit and humor to us. Welcome aboard E!


I’ve never been a big fan of letting a pro athlete KNOW that I KNOW who they are by actually telling them I KNOW who they are. Unless I’m attending an autograph signing or preseason camp I have no business trying to take a picture with them or reminiscing with them about a touchdown catch or “nuts in your face” dunk they had on SportsCenter’s Top 10 List.

That is why when I saw Gilbert Arenas at Chuckie Cheese I didn’t try to join him in a game of Wack-a-Mole or combine tickets to get the biggest prize (by the way when your Gilbert Arenas you don’t waste time trying to win tickets, you just pay absurd amounts of money to get what you want.) However, as he walked by me playing a basketball arcade game I did yell out “Hibachi” as I hit my shots on a game built for three-year olds. Now I don’t know if he looked back and laughed at me or if he was actually looking right through me and laughing at someone else, but I did feel as though he appreciated me not starting an autograph frenzy by yelling out “Agent Zero” at the top of my lungs while doing back-flips begging him to autograph my chest. That is why I have come up with this list of things not to do when seeing a professional athlete in public for all of you douches out there who act like the kid who Punk’d Dirk Nowitzki on a daily basis:

If they are eating, LEAVE them alone - there’s no doubt Dwight Howard wanted to pimp slap all of these people…except the one Asian girl across from them whom he wanted to lay the Superman pipe to

If you do try to take a picture with them, make sure you know who they are – I once watched a kid take a picture with Chris Samuels only to turn around and say thanks LaVar…come on you can’t mistake #60

Don’t ask them if they want to hangout later on at night just because they accept a drink from you at a bar – every athlete knows what happened in “Celtic Pride”

Don’t ever tell them they have a hot girlfriend/wife and then ask her name – “Hey man she’s hot, what’s her name so I can spank it to her later”

Unless the appearance is for autographs and pictures, don’t even try

If an athlete makes fun on you, don’t brag about it to other people like your cool – true story, an athlete once told me I had small equipment…I told other people to explain to them that it was a black man and obviously to him I seemed smaller but in a lacrosse locker room I’d be worshipped…but I didn’t tell them because it was the Phillies first baseman

No high-fives, hugs, or chest-bumps – a handshake could be acceptable

Don’t tell them about how you tattooed their number on your asscheek one night you got hammered

Don’t strike up a conversation in the bathroom

Don’t ever be the creepy guy in the background of a picture – you look happy, but they sure as hell don’t

And above all, if you are lucky enough to get a picture with a professional athlete, never put that picture up as your profile picture on Facebook or Myspace – everyone that knows you, knows you are not friends with them and chances are YOU NEVER WILL BE

Please read this list over and try not to act like a love-struck thirteen year old next time you see a professional athlete out.

Oh yeah, and hot girls…please disregard this list and remember everything here is even more acceptable when done topless!

Until NextTime,
E4three32

Cooley's Last Pro Bowl...I Hope So?

(this post originally appeared at The Cooley Zone)

I mean that in a positive way.

You see, starting next season the Pro Bowl will be held the week before the Super Bowl. Moving forward, the participants in the Super Bowl will not be allowed to play in the Pro Bowl. So, while I'm sure CC will be elected to the next 6 or 7 Pro Bowls, my hope is that he will be busy preparing for the Super Bowl, thus making him unavailable to play in the actual game.

And from Chris and Christy's point of view, how much will they miss the Pro Bowl? I'm guessing little, at best. The Pro Bowl is also moving from Hawaii to the Super Bowl host city. So while the words

"Christy, pack your bags we're headed to the big island," sounds like an awesome time...




"Christy, pack your bags we're headed to Indianapolis," just doesn't have the same ring.


The decision to move the Pro Bowl only makes $ense to the NFL. Get the players and fans into the NFL host city ASAP to start spending money. Never mind that the 2 teams in the Super Bowl usually have the most Pro Bowlers (Arizona and Pittsburgh have 7 starters in this years Pro Bowl.)

The truth of the matter is this, little to zero NFL fans watch, nor care about the Pro Bowl. It's an exhibition game equivalent to pre-season. So until the NFL can find a way to make the game significant in some fashion (any ideas?) keep it in Hawaii.

I'm sure the players enjoy the time they spend in Hawaii, and it's a nice vacation for them and their wives. The Pro Bowl has been in Hawaii for over 30 years, why change it now? Let the players heal their bodies after the season, then "hang loose" for a week with their families and friends. They certainly deserve it.


Cheers and Hail

Six Degrees, A Vacation, And A Website

This is will be the last post for a little while, as my lovely bride and I cruise on down to the Bahamas! A few days in the sun, eating too much, drinking too much, and gambling too much. Sounds like it's just what the doctor ordered. In the meantime, I'm leaving you with some reading material that I've enjoyed this week.

I also want to invite everyone to check out http://www.fatpickled.com/. It's still a work in progress, but you can follow the blog there, so please bookmark it. It's a hell of a lot easier to find than the whole budlightthoughts thing. I don't even want to get into the whole email conversation I had with my mom today, but I'll just say it started with her saying she couldn't find my fatpickle. (it's probably in my wife's purse, headed for the Bahamas)

It looks like LT and the Chargers are headed for a divorce. One things for sure, he won't be any one's #1 fantasy pick next season.

I've gotten away from reading Bill Simmons, mainly because there's just to much New England sports. But, he's an awesome writer, and he shares his recent "Marley and me" situation in this story. You may need a hankie.

Another great writer, Rick Reilly, has a cool story about Larry Fitzgerald Jr and Sr, and their unique situation this Super Bowl week.

It's the 20 year anniversary of maybe the most famous error card of all-time. A card that I have, signed, and in mint condition.

Cooley gets high on football, and shares his Senior Bowl with us. And to think that Parcells thought he'd be a special teamer at best.

Finally, if you haven't seen this video, it's worth a look. And remember, this is a high school game!

Porkboy46: Man Oh Manning

"Yep, looks like things are winding down here, let's move up that Enzyte commercial"

This time of year is tough for many NFL players and coaches. Their seasons over much sooner than they had hoped or planned...but for one guy this is the time of year he lives for, it is his true passion! Now that the season is over, Peyton Manning can get to work selling anything and everything! Now, don't get me wrong he usually will spend the first couple of days blaming his teammates, blaming the officials, and blaming the gosh darn league! (I actually love the last one, one of the rules he always whined about not getting called, illegal contact down field, was one of the calls that doomed his team on that final drive, Ha Ha)

But after those 2 days, its right to work selling everything from Oreos to Visa to Gatorade to Sony. I'm sick of seeing his Frankenstein face! My guess is he's already made 4 or 5 commercials this week! If he wanted to make some real money how about renting out that billboard he calls a forehead!

The one thing that really burns my ass was Dungy's retirement press conference. Where was the All-Pro Quarterback? Probably licking an Oreo, too bad he couldn't lick Norv Turner! Take time out from being in front of the camera and see off the man who won you a title! Yeah that's right, Tony won you a title, not the other way around. You did your usual playoff routine of throwing more pickles than TD's and his defense carried you!

Well on to other things, like .....Eli

It's so great that the Eli that I know and love came back to us! Now all we have to figure out is, who was that impostor that played for the Giants last January? I love seeing Eli make throws that make every one say "WHAT THE F WAS THAT? " My favorite part is when he gets that look on his face while he walks to the sideline like a kid that's wondering why his dog shit in his lunch bag!!

(watch imitation by Colt Brennan below)

Playoff Breakdown - Eagles/Giants from Tanner Cooley on Vimeo.

Don't get me wrong, they are both better than Tony "Entertainment Tonight" Romo! That poor bastard is starting to look a lot like Jim "Chris" Everett

Finally, I saw a lot of the adds "keep gym class".... are they getting rid of it? I think gym class is so great they need to give it to adults at work! How great would that be, if the french can get their "drink on" at lunch, why can't we play a little dodge ball or Frisbee football?

Imagine the half hour before lunch, getting to play kickball or stick ball, that would be sweet! Sign me up !

the other white meat

Once You Get Past The Smell You Got It Licked

THE WONDERLIC BOWL

The Wonderlic Personnel Test is a twelve-minute, fifty-question intelligence test used to assess the aptitude of prospective employees for learning and problem-solving in a wide range of occupations. That definition came from Wikipedia. The Wonderlic is also known as a test that every prospective NFL player takes at the NFL Combine. Some teams take a lot of stock into the scores, others do not. One thing is for sure, if you score low on the test it will stick with you forever. I thought it would be cool to match up the "smarter" players against the "dumber" players. There are rules to this game and other important info to consider:

#1 In order to be selected to the "Smart Asses" a score of 25+ is required.

#2 In order to be selected to the "Dumb Asses" a score of 15- is required.

#3 A score of 10 is considered the "Dexter Line." 10 is considered literate.

#4 A score of 20 is considered a 100 IQ = the average person.

#5 Don't forget about book smarts, or in this case football smarts.

#6 The average score for the position will appear after the position abbreviation.

#7 I have done my very best to research the scores, however I cannot verify that they are 100% accurate.

#8 I took the test and scored a 33!

#9 Active Players only, Defense will come another day.

Smart Asses

QB(24) E. Manning 39, Romo 37, A. Rodgers 35

RB(16) M. Turner 35, S. Jackson 28, R. Grant 26

WR(17) V. Jackson 33, L. Evans 27, B. Edwards 27

TE(22) B Watson 41, H. Miller 39,Cooley 32

Dumb Asses

QB Mcnabb 14, Garrard 14, V. Young 15

RB Gore 6, K. Jones 15

WR C. Henry 9, Manningham 6

TE Winslow 12, Troupe 15

The Smart Asses are coached by Max Cady. They can out learn you, out read you, out think you, and out philosophy you.

Cheers and Hail

The Six Degrees Of Fatpickled

Every Monday I will post 6 links to things I find entertaining. Here's what I've been looking at today.

Jerry Jones thinks Barber is a wussy

Chris Cooley likes Anita's and Fair Oaks Mall

I don't know what to say about this

Here's a reason to eat organic foods (If the little man doesn't reach his full potential we can blame it on sausage and velveeta)

David Garrard knows how to crank up a wedding reception

This is a must every Monday Morning (Peter King finds a way to piss me off every week, but it's also insightful and entertaining)

Cheers and Hail!

Porkboy46: Crazy About Them Cowboys

Looks like Romo hit the buffet on the bye week!

How does a kid from Erie, PA. end up a Cowboys fan? I guess just good luck and a little help from my brother Jimmy. We had NFL helmets and we would wear them to play in the yard. I got the silver one with the star, and it's been a great fit ever since. You see I am one of those wackos that would be buried in a Cowboy's casket or have his ashes spread over Valley Ranch. Most people see that stuff and say what a nut case, to me it sounds pretty reasonable!

When it comes to the rivalry, just seeing the colors gets me all fired up! Blue and silver, burgundy and gold! I love to watch to watch old VHS tapes of them (I have every game between the two on tape since 91). Some are great, some very bad, but all are classic! Just watching the uniforms against each other on Madden gets me psyched up, nothing I love more!

My first memory of the rivalry was Tony Dorsett throwing the football at Dave Butz! There are so many great moments and here are a few of my favorites:

NOVEMBER 1991, SKINS ARE UNDEFEATED and the Cowboys come to RFK and throw everything they have at one of the best teams in NFL history. Hail Mary's, onside kicks, back up QB's and get a win!!! That started a winning streak that put them in the playoffs!

LAST SKINS GAME FOR ROGER STAUBACH, he leads them to 14 points in the last 2 minutes to win the game and knock the skins out of the playoffs. That was the last game of the season, the winning team won the division and the loser went home!THANKSGIVING 1996, the boys are supposed to be out of gas and Emmitt Smith is on the downside. But, Emmitt goes wild for 3 touchdowns!

DANNY BELT BUCKLE'S FIRST GAME, September 12, 1999. The Skins are up 35-14 and the Cowboys rally to win in overtime, with a great play action bomb to Rocket Ismail!

I could go on and on forever. Many people have called this the greatest rivalry in sports, and it is better than ever! You can even go to a wikipedia page all about the history.

Listen, if you don't have respect for your greatest rival then its not much of a rivalry. There were times when I was young and my brother Mike would tape pages from the Washington Post up on my ceiling after a big Skins win! During the 87 strike game the Cowboys lost, and I lost a bet. That meant that I had to burn my favorite Dallas t-shirt right after the game! There have been great days on both sides of the ball. Like Chris Cooley scoring 3 TD's as he ran over the entire Dallas secondary to blow out the Boy's on their way to the playoffs. That game brought the rivalry back from the dead! Santana Moss's 2 TD's in the closing minutes on Monday night in Texas Stadium to win 14 - 13!How about " THE RIGGO DRILL?" THE SKINS RUNNING THE SAME PLAY OVER RANDY WHITE TEN TIMES TO RUN OUT THE CLOCK IN THE NFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME!! Many Skins said that the Super Bowl was a letdown after the Dallas game the week before!

There are many more. The legendary shoot-out in 1966 that Dallas won 31 - 30 when MEREDITH AND JURGENSEN WERE OUT DRINKING TOGETHER TILL 4 AM THE NIGHT BEFORE!

Ken Houston tackling Walt Garrison on the one yard line to win on Monday Night! This brings me to one more note, this rivalry should have one Monday night game every year! But Sunday night will do, this is going to be a classic! I think the winner goes to the playoffs and the loser will be the team left out. But I sure as hell would love to see a best two out of three this year!

I have a lot of friends that are big Skins fans, but I have a best friend who is a Skin's nut! We usually feel a little strange when these games roll around. Trying not to sound too cocky or rub it in (because we are sure that our team is definitely going to win!) Nothing needs to be said. We both know how deep these games cut and how bad it feels to be on the wrong end. And, we are both way superstitious ! I would just like to thank him for being such a great friend and for letting me spill my guts about these teams.
I just hope the players on both sides care half as much as some of us fans do!!!
Good luck Skins fans, you guys are going to need it.

Did I mention Clint Longley, Thanksgiving of 1974 ?

Porkboy46

Chris Cooley's Biggest And Littlest Fan, Meet Carson Cox

My favorite team is the Redskins. I like them because they are a good team. And I like going to see their games. We don't have to go real far to see them. Every game I go to, I get new Redskins stuff like jerseys, sweatshirts and hats.

I keep all my stuff in my room. For my birthday, my mom and dad and my mamaw and pappy got my room painted with Redskins stuff. When I went to training camp on my birthday, Chris Cooley took a picture of me and put it on his website. That was cool!!! He is my favorite Redskins player because he usually makes a 1st down when it is 3rd down if they throw it to him. I also think he is funny. I have a signed picture of him on my wall and it has a writing that says" Carson- Good luck with football. I'll be rooting for you! Your friend, Chris". It is great. Aunt Becky, Uncle Doug and Mason gave it to me for my birthday.

Also at training camp, Clinton Portis signed my birthday poster. One time at a Redskins game, a camera guy filmed me and my cousin Derek saw me on the NFL channel! The Redskins are great and I hope they will be in the Super Bowl this year!

I want to be a pro football player for them when I grow up!

Carson Cox-age 7

Look, It's Billy Bob Thornton

I love playing the "look it's someone famous game," as I am constantly pointing out celebrities to Rebecca and friends. Tonight for instance, Norm Macdonald visited my work. Now of course it really wasn't Norm, but he looked similar, and he sounded exactly like him. I normally get feedback from Rebecca ranging from "no I don't see it," to "oh yeah he does." It is the later reply that gives me great satisfaction. The greatest moment of this game was a few years back when Porkboy46 and I were having a beer at a little bar in Manassas. I turned to Porkboy and said "look it's The Stepfather," and I got the "oh yeah." That's when I said "no, it really is the stepfather." And sure enough, Terry O' Quinn plopped down in the bar stool next to me and ordered a beer and chicken wings. The game had come full circle.

Here are a few athletes that look like celebrities in my mind. I'm sure there are many more, let me know which ones I missed in the comments section.

Orlando Magic Coach Stan Van Gundy

Ron Jeremy

Vince Gill/Texas Tech Coach Mike Leach

Wade Phillips

Jerry Reed

Chris Cooley

Harry Dunne

Cal Ripken Jr.

Uncle Fester

Cheers and Hail