Hate Mail

Some crazy person emailed me this picture…with threats of also having her father streak naked thru Fed Ex field…some serious and scary shit I’m dealing with. Look, if you see someone driving around VA with this tag approach with caution…the driver may appear cute and harmless but is obviously mentally challenged. This is what happens when you are raised by a Mongoloid. I do have to give props…it’s very clever. Now all you Dallas fans should rush out and get a tag that really personifies the 2009 Cowboys. I recommend:

6W-10L

Porkboy: Pork Knows Best

I know, I know, you've all been waiting to hear my opinion on the Jay Cutler dust up. Well I decided to wait until this became a proper boil. It's now a proper boil. I love a young punk who won't even return the owners calls... but the young punk is right. All Josh McDaniels had to do was say " sorry I made a play for my guy, but now it's me and you for the next decade." LIE A LITTLE !!! As a coach you are a people manager, do and say what it takes to get the most out of your people. That's your job young Josh.... all Cutler needed to hear was "you're my man, this trade stuff is over."

Young Josh just couldn't do that, his ego was take it or leave it. I expect Cutler to be a spoiled brat, he's a young NFL QB, it's is all he knows. As a coach you have to rise above it, spank those that need spanked and stroke those that need stroked.
All Cutler said he wanted was a commitment, that is all any of us want.
Whats even funnier was that after Mcdaniels told Cutler that "I can't promise you it wont happen again," he then made the statement that Jay needs to be fully committed to the Broncos!

I'm not saying Cutler is the greatest QB around, but in a league where half the teams don't have a quality starter you can't just throw one away. People love to talk about his record as a starter, but he's 16 -1 in games where he starts and the defense allows 22 points or less. It's the defense that has let the Broncos down the last couple of years.... and take a look at the RB situation he had last year.
Sometimes things just need the smell test... do you think Matt Cassel is better than Cutler? Or worth more money? If you answered like I think, you are all ready smarter than young Josh.

As a Belichick disciple young Josh definitely has got the part down about being a pompous ass. I will never forget Bill running Bernie Kosar out of town in Cleveland. Cutting him mid season while Vinny Testraverde was hurt, Bill had to start a third string QB...just to show who was boss. All the Belichick coaching tree has given us is a lot of duds and losses (Sabian, Weiss, Crennel.) I guess when you don't have Tom Brady and you can't cheat any more... it gets a little tough!

Another smell test, will the Broncos be better this year without Jay Cutler ?

One last rant!! The Tampa Bay Bucs hire a guy because he listens to the same music as the players? WTF?! The Bucs folded last year because the defense gave up when they heard their beloved coach was going to join his son in Tennessee. So you promote one of the defensive coaches who couldn't talk his guys into tackling anyone wearing a Raiders F&*ing uniform!!Gruden was sunk when he went to a team that gave up 2 #1 picks and 2nd Rd picks to get him, and don't forget the 2 #1's to get Keyshawn. That's 6 very important picks and the future of your team. He actually should get credit for being competitive with Jeff Garcia, Chris Simms, and for making Antonio Bryant million$$.
THIS GUY WON A SUPER BOWL WITH BRAD JOHNSON AND KEENAN MCCARDELL.

And for the best news I've heard in weeks.....bacon flavored chap stick !!!!

Fatpickle And Porkboy: We Speak In Movie Quotes

Porkboy came into Florida this weekend to surprise me for my Bday. We've taken advantage of this time "brainstorming" for ideas related to the website, blog, and t-shirts. The brainstorming sessions produced little ideas other than ordering pizza, making sure we have enough beer, and plotting a trip to Bare Assets. However, we realize when we talk we incorporate movie quotes into the conversation quite often. Not just to each other, but in our jobs and everyday life. Here is a list of movie quotes (sports movies only, we do use many more from non sports movies) that we use nearly everyday. Also, we did not list any Ted Knight or Rodney Dangerfield quotes from Caddyshack, because we use nearly every damn one of them.

"Noonan!" - Caddyshack- Used mainly when an opposing team's kicker lines up for a FG. Also effective for free throws or a friendly game of h-o-r-s-e. "Akers lines up for a 43yd attempt, MISS IT, NOONAN, MISS, NOONAN!"

"Jobu needs a refill"-Major League- I need another beer. "honey do you need anything from the kitchen...well, Jobu needs a refill."

"We're going to sizzler"-White Men Can't Jump- Awesome to say when you get a small victory. Like when your energy bill is $20 dollars less than you thought it would be, or Totino's pizzas are on special at the grocery store. "I just won the office march madness pool, we're going to sizzler."

"I think it could be gravy"-Caddyshack- When your favorite team takes the momentum in a game, or you look at their remaining schedule and see nothing but wins. "we got Dallas at home then SanFran on the road, I think it could be gravy."

"You remember the last time I stick it in you?"-Rounders- Great to pull out when your playing your buddy's in cards or PlayStation. "wanna play Madden? sure...but do you remember the last time when I stick it in you?" (this also requires the imitation of John Malkovich air humping)


"Help me baby Jesus, help me Tom Cruise"-Talladega Nights- When something in your day goes wrong, like the copier is jammed or your courtesy flush is coming up, not going down! "help me baby Jesus, help me Tom Cruise!"

"gravy train with biscuit wheels"-Kingpin- The guy who has all the luck on his side, the guy who does nothing at work, yet gets promotions and raises. "Mike has been on a 3 hour lunch break, and no one even cares...he's on the gravy train with biscuit wheels."

"I wake up in the morning and just piss excellence"-Talladega Nights- Always fun to break out when you succeed at work, like selling some windows and siding to some tight ass. "hey Porkboy, nice job on that Johnson account...well you know when I wake up in the morning I just piss excellence."

"nananananananana"-Caddyshack-Eveyone says it and we all use it for nearly everything. Like when your trying to write a blog post and your computer wants to lock up on you. "F me, are you kidding me...I'm almost finished...come on, nananananananana."

Do you use different quotes in your day to day? Let us know in the comments.

Cheers and Hail

Porkboy46: Man Oh Manning

"Yep, looks like things are winding down here, let's move up that Enzyte commercial"

This time of year is tough for many NFL players and coaches. Their seasons over much sooner than they had hoped or planned...but for one guy this is the time of year he lives for, it is his true passion! Now that the season is over, Peyton Manning can get to work selling anything and everything! Now, don't get me wrong he usually will spend the first couple of days blaming his teammates, blaming the officials, and blaming the gosh darn league! (I actually love the last one, one of the rules he always whined about not getting called, illegal contact down field, was one of the calls that doomed his team on that final drive, Ha Ha)

But after those 2 days, its right to work selling everything from Oreos to Visa to Gatorade to Sony. I'm sick of seeing his Frankenstein face! My guess is he's already made 4 or 5 commercials this week! If he wanted to make some real money how about renting out that billboard he calls a forehead!

The one thing that really burns my ass was Dungy's retirement press conference. Where was the All-Pro Quarterback? Probably licking an Oreo, too bad he couldn't lick Norv Turner! Take time out from being in front of the camera and see off the man who won you a title! Yeah that's right, Tony won you a title, not the other way around. You did your usual playoff routine of throwing more pickles than TD's and his defense carried you!

Well on to other things, like .....Eli

It's so great that the Eli that I know and love came back to us! Now all we have to figure out is, who was that impostor that played for the Giants last January? I love seeing Eli make throws that make every one say "WHAT THE F WAS THAT? " My favorite part is when he gets that look on his face while he walks to the sideline like a kid that's wondering why his dog shit in his lunch bag!!

(watch imitation by Colt Brennan below)

Playoff Breakdown - Eagles/Giants from Tanner Cooley on Vimeo.

Don't get me wrong, they are both better than Tony "Entertainment Tonight" Romo! That poor bastard is starting to look a lot like Jim "Chris" Everett

Finally, I saw a lot of the adds "keep gym class".... are they getting rid of it? I think gym class is so great they need to give it to adults at work! How great would that be, if the french can get their "drink on" at lunch, why can't we play a little dodge ball or Frisbee football?

Imagine the half hour before lunch, getting to play kickball or stick ball, that would be sweet! Sign me up !

the other white meat

Porkboy 46: What A Weekend

Fatpickle's note: Please welcome Porkboy46 as a regular contributor to Fatpickled. Porkboy comes to us with an awesome resume. He has logged thousands of hours in front of a TV forming his opinions on athletes and sports. His writing experience consists of emails and letters to Donovan Mcnabb, Terrell Owens, and Andre Rison.. and that's pretty much his literary background. His brain has turned to shit, and this is the kind of shit he's going to share with you. Welcome aboard!
I read a small piece in SI and it talked about the decision by the Cardinals to go back to Edgerrin James for more carries because they wanted to be more balanced on offense. The big reason was negative carries. They experienced 3 times more negative carries when Hightower was the starter. Negative carries are runs that loose yardage, giving you 2nd and 12, and 2nd and 13 situations. Those are never good, but even worse in the playoffs. The situation reminded me of when that pissbag quarterback Scott Mitchell left Detroit and went to Baltimore. He was asked if it would be tough not having Barry Sanders? His reply was "yeah it will be nice not to have all those 2nd and 13 situations." You can't consistently put your offense in 2nd and long and 3rd and long. The back that grinds out a 1 yard or 2 yard gain is keeping his teams options open for the rest of the series. They say that a sack is worth about 3 points because it almost always is a drive stopper. By that logic a running back who constantly dances looking for the home run might be costing his team a point every time he doesn't trust the hole and get whatever he can get. I have been so impressed with the Cardinals and their whole team make over that they have had in the playoffs!.....Larry Fitzgerald is the truth !

How about Mc-rib (Mcnabb ) giving that look when he got the safety?.... Is this another rule you don't know about you tool? I did like the phone deal he did on the sideline late in the game, I like it because it again showed what an idiot he is.
What was with Tennessee D-end and those red contacts? Did he think it was going to help him see a fastball better?... All it let him see is his team doing its best impersonation of the Cowboys, lots of penalties and lots of turnovers! Lendale White has got a gut bigger than mine!!
CBS does a mediocre job when they roll out their A team, so a Saturday with their B team really sucked! It was like they had only 2 cameras and hardly any replays. It looked like Flacco stepped out of the endzone and no one noticed it or even replayed it? I was going f'ing nuts! It wasn't until Sunday morning that ESPN showed that he came close but did not go out of the back of the end zone. They said " he almost pulled an Orlovsky!"

Next week will be great, all the Baltimore fans that were whining about the goal line call can get a chance to stop them again. However, I think Baltimore loses by 14!

I look forward to seeing the Cards host a conference title game... and rooting against the Eagles! That will be sweet!!

Please post some comments about our articles, we are going to have a random drawing for the people that comment. 1 lucky person will get an autographed picture of me with no shirt on !!!

the other white meat

Porkboy46: Crazy About Them Cowboys

Looks like Romo hit the buffet on the bye week!

How does a kid from Erie, PA. end up a Cowboys fan? I guess just good luck and a little help from my brother Jimmy. We had NFL helmets and we would wear them to play in the yard. I got the silver one with the star, and it's been a great fit ever since. You see I am one of those wackos that would be buried in a Cowboy's casket or have his ashes spread over Valley Ranch. Most people see that stuff and say what a nut case, to me it sounds pretty reasonable!

When it comes to the rivalry, just seeing the colors gets me all fired up! Blue and silver, burgundy and gold! I love to watch to watch old VHS tapes of them (I have every game between the two on tape since 91). Some are great, some very bad, but all are classic! Just watching the uniforms against each other on Madden gets me psyched up, nothing I love more!

My first memory of the rivalry was Tony Dorsett throwing the football at Dave Butz! There are so many great moments and here are a few of my favorites:

NOVEMBER 1991, SKINS ARE UNDEFEATED and the Cowboys come to RFK and throw everything they have at one of the best teams in NFL history. Hail Mary's, onside kicks, back up QB's and get a win!!! That started a winning streak that put them in the playoffs!

LAST SKINS GAME FOR ROGER STAUBACH, he leads them to 14 points in the last 2 minutes to win the game and knock the skins out of the playoffs. That was the last game of the season, the winning team won the division and the loser went home!THANKSGIVING 1996, the boys are supposed to be out of gas and Emmitt Smith is on the downside. But, Emmitt goes wild for 3 touchdowns!

DANNY BELT BUCKLE'S FIRST GAME, September 12, 1999. The Skins are up 35-14 and the Cowboys rally to win in overtime, with a great play action bomb to Rocket Ismail!

I could go on and on forever. Many people have called this the greatest rivalry in sports, and it is better than ever! You can even go to a wikipedia page all about the history.

Listen, if you don't have respect for your greatest rival then its not much of a rivalry. There were times when I was young and my brother Mike would tape pages from the Washington Post up on my ceiling after a big Skins win! During the 87 strike game the Cowboys lost, and I lost a bet. That meant that I had to burn my favorite Dallas t-shirt right after the game! There have been great days on both sides of the ball. Like Chris Cooley scoring 3 TD's as he ran over the entire Dallas secondary to blow out the Boy's on their way to the playoffs. That game brought the rivalry back from the dead! Santana Moss's 2 TD's in the closing minutes on Monday night in Texas Stadium to win 14 - 13!How about " THE RIGGO DRILL?" THE SKINS RUNNING THE SAME PLAY OVER RANDY WHITE TEN TIMES TO RUN OUT THE CLOCK IN THE NFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME!! Many Skins said that the Super Bowl was a letdown after the Dallas game the week before!

There are many more. The legendary shoot-out in 1966 that Dallas won 31 - 30 when MEREDITH AND JURGENSEN WERE OUT DRINKING TOGETHER TILL 4 AM THE NIGHT BEFORE!

Ken Houston tackling Walt Garrison on the one yard line to win on Monday Night! This brings me to one more note, this rivalry should have one Monday night game every year! But Sunday night will do, this is going to be a classic! I think the winner goes to the playoffs and the loser will be the team left out. But I sure as hell would love to see a best two out of three this year!

I have a lot of friends that are big Skins fans, but I have a best friend who is a Skin's nut! We usually feel a little strange when these games roll around. Trying not to sound too cocky or rub it in (because we are sure that our team is definitely going to win!) Nothing needs to be said. We both know how deep these games cut and how bad it feels to be on the wrong end. And, we are both way superstitious ! I would just like to thank him for being such a great friend and for letting me spill my guts about these teams.
I just hope the players on both sides care half as much as some of us fans do!!!
Good luck Skins fans, you guys are going to need it.

Did I mention Clint Longley, Thanksgiving of 1974 ?

Porkboy46

Look, It's Billy Bob Thornton

I love playing the "look it's someone famous game," as I am constantly pointing out celebrities to Rebecca and friends. Tonight for instance, Norm Macdonald visited my work. Now of course it really wasn't Norm, but he looked similar, and he sounded exactly like him. I normally get feedback from Rebecca ranging from "no I don't see it," to "oh yeah he does." It is the later reply that gives me great satisfaction. The greatest moment of this game was a few years back when Porkboy46 and I were having a beer at a little bar in Manassas. I turned to Porkboy and said "look it's The Stepfather," and I got the "oh yeah." That's when I said "no, it really is the stepfather." And sure enough, Terry O' Quinn plopped down in the bar stool next to me and ordered a beer and chicken wings. The game had come full circle.

Here are a few athletes that look like celebrities in my mind. I'm sure there are many more, let me know which ones I missed in the comments section.

Orlando Magic Coach Stan Van Gundy

Ron Jeremy

Vince Gill/Texas Tech Coach Mike Leach

Wade Phillips

Jerry Reed

Chris Cooley

Harry Dunne

Cal Ripken Jr.

Uncle Fester

Cheers and Hail