The following group of NBA players are those that I believe to be the most humble in the league. I'm positive that they thank God everyday for the basketball talent he has blessed them with. Because without the size and athletic ability that has allowed them to make millions of dollars, there is no way they could be pulling in the broads they do on a nightly basis.
Introducing...The NBA First Team All Ugly
C - George Muresan - Michael Phelps?
PF - Tyrone Hill - If you were ever to see the 76er's play when he did, I can only pray you didn't have floor seats
SF - Tyshaun Prince
SG - Delante West
PG - Sam Cassell - Quite possibly the from a different planet
Sixth Man Award Andrei Kirilenko - He deserves this award mainly because his wife reportedly allows him one free "bang pass" a year as long as she is in the room watching. Nobody was more mad than Jerry Sloan when hearing he has repeatedly used this pass on John Amechi.
Coach of the Year Stan Van Gundy - Just pretend Rookie of the Year Greg Oden All-Time MVP Reggie Miller
So I'm working in the yard and hanging out in the garage yesterday when these 2 "love doves" decided to move in. I shooed them away once, but they came right back, so I decided to let them hang for awhile. They seemed cozy on top of the stereo and hanging out in front of the HTTR sign. I'm not sure what they were doing to my Eddie Murray Starting Lineup figurine (seen lying face down and squealing like a pig.)
When looking at the pictures I feel pride in my manly garage. The fishing poles, memorabilia, and tools (hidden porn, why is it all Asian?) work well together. My wife should also feel proud that she has regulated me to putting all my shit in the garage. Congrats honey!
Porkboy came into Florida this weekend to surprise me for my Bday. We've taken advantage of this time "brainstorming" for ideas related to the website, blog, and t-shirts. The brainstorming sessions produced little ideas other than ordering pizza, making sure we have enough beer, and plotting a trip to Bare Assets. However, we realize when we talk we incorporate movie quotes into the conversation quite often. Not just to each other, but in our jobs and everyday life. Here is a list of movie quotes (sports movies only, we do use many more from non sports movies) that we use nearly everyday. Also, we did not list any Ted Knight or Rodney Dangerfield quotes from Caddyshack, because we use nearly every damn one of them.
"Noonan!" - Caddyshack- Used mainly when an opposing team's kicker lines up for a FG. Also effective for free throws or a friendly game of h-o-r-s-e. "Akers lines up for a 43yd attempt, MISS IT, NOONAN, MISS, NOONAN!"
"Jobu needs a refill"-Major League- I need another beer. "honey do you need anything from the kitchen...well, Jobu needs a refill."
"We're going to sizzler"-White Men Can't Jump- Awesome to say when you get a small victory. Like when your energy bill is $20 dollars less than you thought it would be, or Totino's pizzas are on special at the grocery store. "I just won the office march madness pool, we're going to sizzler."
"I think it could be gravy"-Caddyshack- When your favorite team takes the momentum in a game, or you look at their remaining schedule and see nothing but wins. "we got Dallas at home then SanFran on the road, I think it could be gravy."
"You remember the last time I stick it in you?"-Rounders- Great to pull out when your playing your buddy's in cards or PlayStation. "wanna play Madden? sure...but do you remember the last time when I stick it in you?" (this also requires the imitation of John Malkovich air humping)
"Help me baby Jesus, help me Tom Cruise"-Talladega Nights- When something in your day goes wrong, like the copier is jammed or your courtesy flush is coming up, not going down! "help me baby Jesus, help me Tom Cruise!"
"gravy train with biscuit wheels"-Kingpin- The guy who has all the luck on his side, the guy who does nothing at work, yet gets promotions and raises. "Mike has been on a 3 hour lunch break, and no one even cares...he's on the gravy train with biscuit wheels."
"I wake up in the morning and just piss excellence"-Talladega Nights- Always fun to break out when you succeed at work, like selling some windows and siding to some tight ass. "hey Porkboy, nice job on that Johnson account...well you know when I wake up in the morning I just piss excellence."
"nananananananana"-Caddyshack-Eveyone says it and we all use it for nearly everything. Like when your trying to write a blog post and your computer wants to lock up on you. "F me, are you kidding me...I'm almost finished...come on, nananananananana."
Do you use different quotes in your day to day? Let us know in the comments.
The past week to 10 days have been a difficult one for residents of the Tampa Bay area. Bucs fans that were already reeling from Derrick Brooks getting cut were also hit with ex-Buc Marquis Cooper being lost at sea. Although it is impossible to compare a person being cut with a person's death, the way the 2 things went down were both senseless.
Cooper's ordeal became a nationwide story, but it really hit home here. There was round the clock updates on the local news, and you just kept hoping that a miracle was going to happen. And then a miracle happened, if only there were 3 more miracles to come. Cooper lived not too far from us, and the waters he was fishing are waters we have explored. I would have never gone 50 miles offshore in the boat he was in, nor gone offshore at all with the front that was moving into the area. Cooper was a very experienced fisherman and boater, I'm sure he felt confident. Another NFL player, Corey Smith and friend William Beakley were also never found. It's a sad story and I feel for their families.
Derrick Brooks was told his services were no longer needed after 14 seasons with the Bucs last week. It's got every loyal Bucs fan up in arms, asking why? All Brooks did was never miss a game in those 14 seasons and made 11 Pro Bowls. All Pro 9 times, Defensive player of the year, and first ballot Hall of Famer. Oh yeah, he's a pretty good guy off the field as well. He was the 2000 Walter Payton Man of the Year, which honors a player's volunteer and charity work, as well as his excellence on the field. Brooks also founded the Brooks-DeBartolo Collegiate High School in Tampa, a school founded on the belief that, given the necessary resources and opportunities, every child has the potential to realize his/her dreams.
Fans are livid, it reminds me of when the Skins cut Art Monk. My uncle Mo a lifelong Skins fan, swore he would never root for the Skins again. 15 years later, he's a Cowboy's fan sticking to his word. I've seen countless fans interviewed stating the same thing, wherever Brooks lands is whom they will root for. Now, even the most loyal Brooks fan knows that he has lost a step (or two.) So it's not necessarily the cutting of Brooks, it's how it went down. They told him in the AM they were cutting him, and released it to the media in the afternoon. Why the big rush? They were $40 million dollars under the salary cap at the time. So there was no immediate need to cut salary to sign a free agent. They could have allowed Brooks to quietly talk with other teams to see what his market value may be. If there wasn't a market, they could have scheduled a press conference for him to announce his retirement with dignity as a member of the Bucs. Instead, Brooks was forced to conduct an interview at the Bucs headquarters wearing a powder blue jumpsuit and requested that no Bucs logos be present. In true Derrick Brook's style, he said all the right things.
To date the biggest player the Bucs have brought in the offseason is Kellen Winslow. A player that is the exact opposite of Derrick Brooks on and off the field. At this point I have to seriously question the new regime in Tampa Bay.
Today is my birthday, I'm 35. And despite my best efforts to rewind it back to age 24 a few years ago, the fact of the matter is...I'm old. WTF happened? Here is the Top 10 reasons I know I'm old:
#10. When I walk into a Hollister or Abercrombie, all the employees wonder who's Dad just walked in.
#9 I remember buying Motley Crue and Poison's first albums (cassette tapes.) Now they are considered classic rock.
#8. I'm in the worst shape of my life, by far. And my liver....well it's just pissed at me.
#7. My favorite shows are no longer on TV, even in syndication.
#6. My Ipod playlist titled "New Stuff" is a collection of late 90's and early 00's songs.
#5. I'm older than every Redskins player except for 3. (the red snapper, Todd Collins, and Phillip Daniels, who shares by B-day!) I'm older than a couple of their coaches!
#4. I say things like "when I was growing up," or "it seems like yesterday," or "that was 10 years ago?"
#3. When my parents and uncles were 35, I thought they looked ancient. Now I think they look pretty damn good.
#2. In order to see my favorite bands in concert, they have to be on a reunion tour.
I'd recognize that tallywhacker anywhere, it's Cooley poking thru again!
When I first heard that Chris was up for the part of the Sheriff in Ghosts Don't Exist, my immediate thought was of Alex Karras in Porky's. Karras was an ex-NFL player who parlayed his NFL career into a 20+ years of acting, a Monday Night Football gig, plus a few years as a professional wrestler. He played the role of the crooked Sheriff in Porky's (the original American Pie.)
So while Chris may not think he's great in front of the camera and may not have big aspirations for his one line in a movie, I would remind him that Karras got his start by grunting a line or two in Blazing Saddles. "Mongo straight, Mongo like candy." In fact, if they ever remake Blazing Saddles, Chris should read for Mongo, he'd be awesome. And if that role led to a remake of Webster with CC in the dad's role, well then that would be priceless.
Now, on to the wrestling. We all know CC won a State championship as a high school wrestler, so faking a few moves in the squared circle should be gravy. He might want to go legit and do a little MMA action (Michael Westbrook needs better competition), but I recommend the WWE. Vladimir would make a great manager!
So, now it's time for you to get involved. Answer these 2 questions in the comment section.
If you could remake a movie, what roles would you put Chris in?
My picks: Mongo from Blazing Saddles, Irwin "Fletch" Fletcher, and Oger from Revenge of the Nerds.
If CC was a professional wrestler, what would you name him? (Capt. Chaos we all know)
My picks: Crouching Tiger Hidden Cooley, The Sharter (the finishing move is brutal,) The Leesburg Joker
We will review your comments for the best roles and names for the next 5 days. The winners will receive:
1rst place = 8 x 10 autographed photo of Fatpickle
Fatpickle's note: Please welcome E4three32 as a regular contributor to Fatpickled. E is an aspiring screen writer (his first script is badass!) and CPA. He played college basketball (an astounding accomplishment coming from my family loins,) and brings his special brand of wit and humor to us. Welcome aboard E!
I’ve never been a big fan of letting a pro athlete KNOW that I KNOW who they are by actually telling them I KNOW who they are. Unless I’m attending an autograph signing or preseason camp I have no business trying to take a picture with them or reminiscing with them about a touchdown catch or “nuts in your face” dunk they had on SportsCenter’s Top 10 List.
That is why when I saw Gilbert Arenas at Chuckie Cheese I didn’t try to join him in a game of Wack-a-Mole or combine tickets to get the biggest prize (by the way when your Gilbert Arenas you don’t waste time trying to win tickets, you just pay absurd amounts of money to get what you want.) However, as he walked by me playing a basketball arcade game I did yell out “Hibachi” as I hit my shots on a game built for three-year olds. Now I don’t know if he looked back and laughed at me or if he was actually looking right through me and laughing at someone else, but I did feel as though he appreciated me not starting an autograph frenzy by yelling out “Agent Zero” at the top of my lungs while doing back-flips begging him to autograph my chest. That is why I have come up with this list of things not to do when seeing a professional athlete in public for all of you douches out there who act like the kid who Punk’d Dirk Nowitzki on a daily basis:
If they are eating, LEAVE them alone - there’s no doubt Dwight Howard wanted to pimp slap all of these people…except the one Asian girl across from them whom he wanted to lay the Superman pipe to
If you do try to take a picture with them, make sure you know who they are – I once watched a kid take a picture with Chris Samuels only to turn around and say thanks LaVar…come on you can’t mistake #60
Don’t ask them if they want to hangout later on at night just because they accept a drink from you at a bar – every athlete knows what happened in “Celtic Pride”
Don’t ever tell them they have a hot girlfriend/wife and then ask her name – “Hey man she’s hot, what’s her name so I can spank it to her later”
Unless the appearance is for autographs and pictures, don’t even try
If an athlete makes fun on you, don’t brag about it to other people like your cool – true story, an athlete once told me I had small equipment…I told other people to explain to them that it was a black man and obviously to him I seemed smaller but in a lacrosse locker room I’d be worshipped…but I didn’t tell them because it was the Phillies first baseman
No high-fives, hugs, or chest-bumps – a handshake could be acceptable
Don’t tell them about how you tattooed their number on your asscheek one night you got hammered Don’t strike up a conversation in the bathroom Don’t ever be the creepy guy in the background of a picture – you look happy, but they sure as hell don’t And above all, if you are lucky enough to get a picture with a professional athlete, never put that picture up as your profile picture on Facebook or Myspace – everyone that knows you, knows you are not friends with them and chances are YOU NEVER WILL BE
Please read this list over and try not to act like a love-struck thirteen year old next time you see a professional athlete out.
Oh yeah, and hot girls…please disregard this list and remember everything here is even more acceptable when done topless!
I'd recognize that tallywhacker anywhere, it's Cooley poking thru again!
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