Look, It's Billy Bob Thornton...Super Bowl Edition

Bruce Springsteen

Max Cady






Mike Tomlin




Chris Tucker





Jeff Reed

Pauly Shore

Hines Ward

Margaret Cho

Cheers and Hail

Pinch Me

I'm livin the dream, don't wake me up

Sunday Jan 18, 2008
The Skins have just won a birth in the Super Bowl (against the Steelers) by defeating the Cardinals 27-21. I have texted, emailed, and called every person I have a way of contacting to discuss the game and the Super Bowl. I go on to say "Hail to the Redskins," we're going to the Super Bowl," and "F-yeah" a thousand times this night. After everyone stops corresponding with me, I sit alone in my chair drinking a beer, reflecting upon my Skins. I am proud.

Monday Jan 19 - Monday Jan 26

The week was spent networking with all my contacts (I have none) to try and secure Super Bowl tickets. General Motors comes thru with 2 club seats to the big game (because it's my dream, and in my dream the auto industry is rockin!) An executive who works for the NFL really likes my blog, and secures me a press pass for media day as well as the Gridiron Greats dinner. Try, try, try as I may, I cannot score Maxim party passes.

Tuesday Jan 27 - Media Day

I know I need to stand out, so I dress myself in a giant pickle costume. I have the word "FAT" painted across my pickle chest. Portis asks to borrow my costume for a future interview. I see the sportscaster George Michael, and tell him it's good to see him again. He must not recognize me in my pickle costume. "George, I'm the guy who always tells you that you were awesome in Silence of the Lambs." I ask some F'ed up questions to the Skins and Steelers, some are answered, others get me an inch away from getting my ass beat. I somehow talk Troy Polamalu into letting me cut off a lock of his hair.

Wednesday Jan 28 - Gridiron Greats

I'm here at the Hard Rock Casino with 100 of the greatest players of all time. I'm in awe, and this dinner is for an awesome cause. My pickle costume is put away, and my questions are honest and sincere. The dinner is buffet style, and as I approach the buffet, so is Michael Irvin. In one fluid motion, I nudge Irvin to the side, button hook, and while shielding him, grab a plate. Michael is so impressed by this "offensive pass interference," he invites me to be on his reality show. I win and I must go to training camp with the Cowboys, where I show flashes of being a 35 yr old Tim Dwight. Ultimately I am cut, but not before I photocopy the playbook and turn it over to the Redskins.

Tim Brown, Fatpickle, Michael Irvin, Warren Moon, Ty Law

Thursday Jan 29 - Snooper Bowl/Maxim Party

My wife and I head over to the Snooper Bowl to watch Snoop coach. After the game I approach Snoop, who happens to be wearing a #43 Steelers Jersey.

FP: Hey Snoop

Snoop: What up cuz?

FP: I got a dime bag of Troy Polamalu's hair.

Snoop: Fo shizzle? TP? That's some good shit. How much?

FP: 2 tickets to the Maxim party.

Snoop: Done, you can roll with Snoop, Fatpickle my nizzle.

FP: Let's get this thing crackin, bring your green hat.

Snoop, Fergie, Fatpickle

The Maxim party was awesome, lots of celebrities, dancing, and booze. The only problem was Eva Mendes. She started stalking me half way thru the party and continues to do so. This chick can't take a hint. Eva, I know you're reading this, I'm happily married, move on.

The stalker, Fatpickle

Sunday Feb 1 - Super Bowl

The Skins beat the Steelers 29-23 in overtime on a 73 yard Campbell to Moss TD. Portis was solid rushing for 112 yards. Campbell had a Phil Simms like day, going 21-24, 264 yds and another TD to Cooley. I have a permanet smile on my face that will not go away for weeks. Our seats were awesome and Springsteen rocked. Life is good!

Cheers and Hail

Super Bowl Commercials

While I'm looking forward to all the new commercials this Sunday, this one has been popping up from last year. It's Jim Beam's "perfect girlfriend."

Super Bowl Picks

Here's my breakdown on the Division Championship games today. My picks are not so much who I think is going to win, it's whom I'm rooting for. I mean, who really wants to see an all Pennsylvania Super Bowl? I'd rather watch a marathon of "Real Housewives" with my wife for 6 hours. Besides the hate factor I have for a couple of these teams, I usually like to pull for the underdog, so things are set up quite nicely today.

Eagles (-3.5) @ Cardinals

There are so many thing I hate about the Eagles, I could spend an entire post on that subject. I want them to lose and Mcnabb to get benched, that would be cool. They have done a nice job pulling themselves together after that Ravens game, losing only to the Redskins. If the week after the Ravens game wasn't a Thursday night game, the Kolb era may have began in Philly. Weird how things work out sometimes.

There are so many things to like about the Cardinals. Kurt Warner was thrown to the scrap pile several years ago. Now he's playing like an MVP again, on the wrong side of 30. He didn't get a new contract before the season, so he now has the chance to ride off into the sunset a Super Bowl winner again, or get a big fat payday from someone. Anquan Bolding didn't get a new contract as well. All he's done is have an All-Pro type of year while playing thru a torn hamstring, sore knee, AND BROKEN FACE! I think it may be time for the Cards to re-consider his deal. You also have Russ Grimm coaching the Offensive line. He could be headed to the Super Bowl, elected into the Hall, and hired as a head coach all in one week! You also have Edgerrin James, benched for a young rookie for several games. The Cards basically said he was done, but he's come back and played extremely well in becoming an integral part of the Cards offense.


And, how much fun would Matt Leinert have here in Tampa? With all our local universities and strip clubs, it will be like an adult Chuck E Cheese for him!

Ravens @ Steelers (-6)

I have to pull for Crabtown, Charm City, my 3rd hometown. There Defense has been unreal, especially for a Defense that's pretty old. They got a rookie Head Coach paired with a rookie Quarterback, that combination has never made it to the Super Bowl. And they have that boxer from Notre Dame returning kicks, he's awesome! The only thing that scares me is Ray Lewis's posse rolling into Tampa.

As far as the Steelers go, I can't stand em. Hines Ward does throw some awesome blocks, but have the time it's illegal, or the defensive player is defenseless. He then gets that smile on his face that I wish someone would knock off. Their coach acts like Martin Lawrence on the sideline. I want to run a #2 thru Troy Polamalu's hair. On top of all this, I do not want to see a bunch of Steelers flags and terrible towels everywhere I look down here in Tampa. I've had enough of that for one year.

Go Cards and Ravens!

Cheers and Hail

Super Bowl Coaches R Us

With the firing of Jon Gruden today and the retirement of Tony Dungy this week, there are now 16 living coaches with Super Bowl rings.
Welcome to my new EBay Store, Super Bowl Coaches R Us. Come on in, we are overstocked. Please check out our many departments, as we have many selections to fit your needs. You may choose from the vintage, bargain bin, and new arrival sections.

Bargain Bin

Barry Switzer - Buy Him Now $1.99 - I'll throw in free shipping on this model. I'm sure he'd love to coach again but I'm not sure there would be any takers on a booze swigging coach who

specializes in the the option.

George Seifert - Buy Him Now $99.99 - He may suck as a coach, but if you purchase George, I promise he will sing the Bossanova any time you want... The dance of love.

Vintage

Joe Gibbs - Out Of Stock - We tried re-releasing this model a few years back, after mixed results we put the mold back in the vault. There is a spin off model available at our NASCAR shop.

Mike Ditka - Out Of Stock - I'd love to be able to offer up Iron Mike, but it's amazing how trading away your entire draft for Ricky Williams takes away your credibility. Or maybe it was this?

John Madden - Out Of Stock - He makes millions announcing, millions doing commercials, and mega millions on video games. That makes him the smartest coach ever. He could probably buy the NFL or EBay.

Don Shula - Out Of Stock - He's the winningest coach ever and he makes a mean steak sandwich.

We have a better chance of seeing him in another Ace Ventura movie than on an NFL sideline.

Jimmy Johnson - Out Of Stock - I'd love to think Jimmy would take on more shot at it, in fact I thought the Danny would have made a run at him by now. Unfortunately, unless he can coach while knocking back a couple Heinekens and eating Nachos, no deal!

Dick Vermeil - Out Of Stock - Do you want a little cheese with that wine? You might get him to come in and interview, but in the end he'll decide to stay retired, and everyone can have a good cry about it.

Bill Parcels - Buy Him Now $25 million - Yep, this oldy but goody is always looking for another dance partner. And it doesn't matter is he's under contract somewhere else, the Tuna is always ready to jump ship. He's easier than Paris Hilton on a Vegas trip.

New Arrivals

Bill Cowher - Buy Him Now $50 million - When he decides to coach again, he will become the highest paid coach ever. Will he be worth it...all sales are final.

Brian Billick - Buy Him Now $15 million Or Best Offer - I cannot stand to watch another game with him as a commentator. Make an offer, I'll listen.

Mike Holmgren - Buy Him Now $20 million - "Retired" to open a book store. Unless that store is full of West Coast playbooks, he'll be back soon. Comes with an unlimited supply of Starbucks coffee.

Mike Shanahan - Buy Him Now $30 million - He's a steal since Pat Bowlen will be picking up part of his tab. Let old "wooden teeth" coach and keep him away from drafting defensive players.

Tony Dungy - Out Of Stock - I'm sure a lot of teams will talk to him, but I truly believe he's done. I don't think any amount of money will make a difference.

John Gruden - Buy Him Now $25 million - The Bucs trades 2 #1 and 2 #2 draft picks along with 8 million for him. You think they should have shopped him a little before firing him with $17 million left on his contract? Another steal as the Glazers give you a discount.

I guess the point is there are some awesome coaches available. They have great resumes, that's for sure. But you know what? At one point all these guys were no named assistants looking for their first break. Madden, Gibbs, Cowher, Dungy, on and on. So who knows what the right choice is?

Even if these guys never coach again, they have made millions and have had great careers. No need crying over them...well you can cry with Vermeil.

Cheers and Hail

The Redskins Are Just Fine

I 'll be the first to admit it, I looked at the Redskins schedule after the Cowboy's game and thought, 7-1. Well, it's just not that easy in the NFL. There are no "layups".
But I'm here to issue a plea to all Skins fans, keep yourselves grounded! The same fans that were on Internet message boards, and calling into Sportstalk radio saying we are going to Tampa, turned around and said the Skins suck. Last week Zorn was the second coming of Joe Gibbs and George Allen rolled into one. This week, fire him, he sucks. Listen guys, the NFL season is 4 long months of hard battle. There are many ups and downs, stay even, or as Zorn says "medium".

Tiger Woods misses a cut every now and then. Michael Jordan had nights where he only scored 12 points. Dirk Diggler couldn't get it up every time. The Skins had 4 fumbles, that is a fluke, shit happens. Here is what the Redskins are, a solid playoff team with the ability to win it all.

So relax Skins fans, sit back and enjoy the ride. We are going to lose again, and we are going to win games you didn't think we would win. Tony Romo missing 4 weeks doesn't mean we are going to the Superbowl. Playing the Browns and Lions the next 2 weeks doesn't guarantee 2 wins.

So, if you are a true fan like me, root with all you have, pray hard, wear your lucky gear, sit in your lucky chair. Don't criticize when we lose, don't drink the kool-aid when we win.

Because if you wait another 3 months, maybe, just maybe, we can laugh all about this in Tampa.